What is on your BIG KID menu? it is TIME TO HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

I know this amazing girl who landed briefly in my zipcode and left me forever changed on a buffet of levels.

Her name is Rachel Fielding, who I instantly loved, and felt drawn to when she showed up wanting to work together to create BIG yoga love! She was an Anusara teacher, a Reiki healer like myself, and she was also a master of teachers to others of the Law of Attraction, and Course in Miracles.
She transformed her own life from being broke, stuck, trapped, into total freedom and abundance. She came to New Hampshire feeling guided to teach others to TAP their own ABUNDANCE and ATTRACT the right things to them. I think she was so many things in such a TOTAL package, I probably did not even digest WHO she was and what she brought to my life until she was fading out, and packing her bags.

I watched her transform herself beyond the girl who arrived. She showed up , happily married, and in her power as a teacher, and life coach for others. She had me at HELLO. I did not think she could evolve bigger or radiate more love and light!
She was one who was SHOWING UP FULLY for life, which from where I was at at that time, was IMPRESSIVE and ADMIRABLE but a bit daunting to a more fearFUL me of my own ABUNDANCE wanting to bust out.
Yet, when Rachel walked OUT of this town, she was a COMPLETE butterfly. Her ten year SAFE marriage ENDED,all the while not looking, found the real love of her life, and gave it all up to get back to HER ultimate happiness instead. She had to admit as much as she loved our area, it simply was not HER place,

So, instead , saying goodbye right as she also told me the news she was about to be a mom for the first time. A kid who chooses HER for a mom knows his shit.
Truly, he does, he was just born a short few days ago.. I welcome baby boy BODE thanking him for his knowing on just when to arrive, no doubt on to a mom like his, who was investing in nurturing and mothering friends like me in large limbo. One foot in my old doors, and one foot scared shitless to step into the new. THat sense of being in two places, our head keeping us in the old, our heart itching to get out the door and go forth fearlesssly in the new takes its own special timing to arrive into. I am thankful for Bode's perfect natural timing to come into all this Chex Mix after things could fall apart, come back together right and after some adjust of better decisions , we knew we helped each other in the right timing to be able to support that we could ALL stand stronger on BOTH legs and feet. Rachel saw my wobbly newborn calf like legs standing on such shaky ground in my own life and offered me something that gave me TRUE stronger legs to stand on. I wanna share that with you.. I feel that is what we are all meant to do.. To share our experiences that helped us to OWN true internal wisdom and see if perhaps we can shed light to others..


Rachel, I think of often, and I am MORE awake to the things she taught me NOW than I was at the time I had her right at my side.
We wake up when we wake up. She woke me up one day, in a way that was NOT playing around, and that demonstated her TRUE love for me as her friend.
She taught me something I wanted to share with you, or maybe you will pass on to others in the right timing.. I also share it while sharing my own personal lesser moment, to land me this level of wisdom. I add in a dash or two of my own gentle knowing too.


I was back and forth as I had been for a long, long time hemming and hawing about so many decisions in my life.


My work, NOT the teaching itself, but some of the other dynamics, were consuming me with full throttle stress so bad, it was swallowing up my energy, my mood, my health, and ME whole. The level of stress was so big and intimidating, and haunting me constantly, yet , sadly, I could not find the voice I needed in saying It was time to GO, and letting it GO. So, I tiptoed aroudn quietly so as to not rile others, meanwhile, losing more and more personal power to step back into my life and step up to make change.


I spent much time resisting getting out of bed till the last possible minute, and because nothing was changing, it got worse, and I began swapping trips to the bathroom to toss my cookies instead.
When no one could hear me, and people were heavily snoring in their beds, I lay awake tossing and turning and finally just burying a pillow over my head and crying quietly to sleep. No matter how much I tried to avoid the truth inside , my body seemed to have my number, and my body began to fall apart too, slowly but surely. I looked dragged out, my hair began to fall out, my stomach constantly in a knot, hence the tossing cookies shortly thereafter.

To top it off, one of the places I put my energy in retreating was in a relationship that that same voice inside me was also whispering, then raising its tone a bit louder, and finally, screaming to be let go. The two together had me in one twisted knot, and I was working over time to hold it together tighter, because what was standing in the way from the badly needed Unravel was the knot of angst and under it, my HUGE FEAR. I clung tighter and tighter to that fear, working it with all I could so I could stay hidden behind it, and curtailing any NECESSARY ACTION.
I clung tighter, and spent much time shopping for an endless supply of emotional ducktape furiously trying to hold it all together, walling myself OFF further so as to not feel the pain of such a mess on all fronts, simply feeling besides myself to survive one minute to the next, to say NOTHING about having a courage, or energy To BE DOING anything about all the sticky clean up!
To be honest,although I was so overwhelmed and feeling DISempowered about how big of a mess both were.


BOTH were rapidly showing up to BE a JOKE.. and it was starting to become NO laughing matter!
THEY WERE NOT working, and I guess I did what anyone in survival mode sorta does. CHOSE THE LESSER evil to cling to so as to have some bit of reprieve of the greater than. Deep down, though, I was NOT fooling myself.


After an evening before of some complete Lifetime Drama, Rachel happened to show up, and she knew I needed to talk. My silence spoke to that. She , being an intuitive herself had that kinda sixth sense about things.
Rachel pulled me into her vehicle and we sat in my driveway, and I carried on with the empty details I even was getting sick of, but felt stuck in.
She listened to me vent, dramatize, and yes, WHINE for a long time.
She was compassionate, fully attentive, and then stopped and looked at me, and said something I will NEVER allow myself to forget, especially NOW,
She truly and ultimately really had MY BEST IN MIND when she hit me with something that stopped all the B.S. , my shield, and mask off, she stopped me in my tracks.

"Aim, honey, what do YOU WANT?"

"Huh? I pressed. No, just wait, and let me finish telling you what happened"

"NO, Aim, I already know, really I do. I know where this is all going. So, instead I just want to ask you this."

"Stop this. STOP."

STOP IT. and just get quiet , shut OFF the drama, and just tell me IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE?" For YOU, if you are not going to consider YOU, how about yOUR KIDS?"

"NO" of course not. I argued , my voice rising in reaction.

She was centered enough to NOT cater to my edge.

She said "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Immediately, her words were heard but my ego would not allow them to sink in, Quick to REact, and shoot off at the mouth instead about what I did not want..

She said , I DID NOT ask you what you DIDN'T want.
I asked you one simple question...."WHAT DO YOU WANT?

"Look, here is the deal"
You get yourself so involved in stuff that does NOt honor you, people who do NOT see the YOu they are with, work shit that is just RIDICULOUS, draining you and totally leaving you DRY.
"So, WHAT DO YOU WANT INSTEAD."

This, I share with you , as I was reminded of it once again today, even though she is long gone from my zipcode, and mothering her own newborn son just a few days old, now that she was no longer NEEDED to mother me.

She said "When you go to a restaurant , you pick up the menu , and you have to speak to the waiter on what YOU WANT to eat to GET IT , right?"
If you show up, look at the menu, and say "I don't want chicken, I don't want veal, I don't want fish.. KNOW THIS, until you look at that menu and PICK OUT what the HELL YOU WANT to have on YOUR PLATE, your NOT getting ANY FOOD!"
"In fact, you won't GET ANY MEAL, and certainly not the one you WANT.

"So, NO MORE of this what you don't want, the universe hears it, and YET , your life MIRRORS YOU STILL GOING HUNGRY and UNsatisfied."

She was right. I knew it. Iknew it so big, I just stopped saying anything. Not to be ignorant but maybe to CHEW the soul food guidance she gave me that if I remember to come back to it, It feeds me fOR LIFE.

She was right. I loved my teaching so much, but I LOATHED so much of what was going down behind the scenes. I had outgrown a need to wanna do it anymore, the way it was.
I wondered about taking my teaching to a deeper level,
In fact, My only reprieve was IN teaching. It was a chance for me to let the rest TO rest in my mind if only for a short while. I needed that commercial break from my own life as much as I could offer that space for students.

Not only did my mind know I wanted OUT of things, but I hesitateed out of a sense of a bound commitment, not to mention binding contracts to others. Binding contracts with NO breathing room in any arena, by the way? SHOULD NOT be signed on the dotted line.
Yet, regardlesss, it felt so out of my control, and I felt it was not my place to speak up in fear of upsetting and hurting others, I felt bound to and obligated to. That sense of obligation was cutting off my own air.
A part of me shut down and shut down TIGHT , feeling NO way out.. In truth, as a yoga teacher, breathing master, I can ASSURE you when we show up in our life in things that we FEEL we have so little breathing room of our own or we feel so NOT wanting to be there, it literally moves us into survival mode, and to literally survive what and where we feel we are left NO PEACEFUL WAY OUT. WE instinctively wall off the breath so as TO NOT FEEL just how BAD it is..


I was trapped on all accounts. Or so my ego was working hard to convince me. I did what I needed to survive as long as I could.. If there is one thing I USED to pride myself on, it was in how long I could "get by" in the worst conditions.

Slowly , Rachel was silently teaching me to SEE how my pretending it was all fine, was creating such a damper to my happiness on the outside. Feeding into a survival mode energy I needed to make it through some hairy shit as a kid was STILL showing back up as an old pattern and playing back out. however, this time, that that level of stoicism was not a place that gave me any sense of strength in my life but overwhelm to weaken instead. In my fear, I gripped tighter, yet it kept tearing me down on every level otherwise.

Doctors began to pick up on just how OFF I seemed , began to probe gently and ask big questions.


Truth always wants to be honored and find its way OUT of DARKNESS.. WE can slam the door shut on bringing the truth to light but in the end, it looks for ANOTHER EXIT OUT."Close the energy off in one area, and it will seek another outlet to free itself."

This time the exit was showing up in my health going out the door! My doctor determining my health was definitely deteriorating due to my repressed tension and anxiety was kind enough to remain LOVINGLY HELLbent to say "DEROEHN, FOR REAL, THIS IS KILLING YOU, and it is time for you to GET OUT OF THIS, your health is coming apart at the seams."
It was. I guess because I felt this overinflated pride that was NOt helping me to stay gripping to my conditioning of "toughing it out and a deep rooted, just close your eyes and put on your sticktuitiveness cape." Yet, the firm, yet tenderhanded Rachel, was the wake up call my own ego hellbent to hold it all together and keep suffering at any cost would NOT EVER BE DESIGNED to allow me. Well, Rachel and a few doctor s who was NOT going to cater to my "NO pain, no gain conditioned CRAP.

Eventually, you learn that there are doctors who believe in true heathcare reform, when they are considerate enough to say, "If you don't let go of this. You will manifest a cancer. It is as simple as that."
To grab hold of your face, and look right into your eyes, and say slowly and quietly, the very thing that your ego needs to be able to find its way OUT of a NEED to be imprisoned.: My doctor said "Look at me,No matter what anyone tells you, you are doing NO one, especially your kids, any favors by staying in things your own ego and the ego of others INSIST or DEMAND or YELL at you to STAY IN.. There is NO NEED of this, contract, obligation to others or not. I can see your organs depleted and blocked and your not so much sad as you are MAD, so your backing yourself right up against your old door of depression, and anxiety." "In case you forgot, THAT IS NOT YOGA!"
In my fear, I forgot. And as often as we can all forget the truth, we need others , yoga teachers included to SHOW UP and speak to us on what we KNOW and seem to have simply lost for someone else to feel better.
"There is NOTHING enligtening about shrinking so another feels better around you."


NOR is anyone loving you who wants to see you shrink down or step away from what is good for you, or a better fit for you. My relationship, and my landlords who knew I was a little Red Riding Hood, did NOT like to see Rachel coming towards either of my doors.


Depression , in case you were not aware , is our feeling that on some level we can not show up with ease and comfort FULLY for our lives and we can not show up that is, if we DO NOT WANT TO.
We feel sad, intimidated and especially powerless to make it feel good. And underneath that heavy sadness, and isolation, and weighted fatigue is also in fact, our ANGER about the whole thing not changing , not being in our power to change it, TURNED INSIDE OUT.
The body is depleted and exhausted constantly fatigued, or UNable to sleep. In a need to further keep showing up for others, or for a life, deep down we KNOW inside we have OUTgrown, if we feel we can not say or do anything about it, or that we have the right to, we shut down, ultimately abandoning US instead. Our INternal barometer of UNhappy does us our well being, our body, our health, or those around us NO favors. Our UNhappy and settling COSTS us over time, like a row of dominoes, on every level, in every area of our lives, instead.

My relationship really did not and could not and would never really have a balanced partnership where I had any sense of emotional true SOLID solid ground, therefore, I constantly gripped tighter to a wheel because there was little support,hence any real sense of freedom to relax otherwise, no matter how much, how long that I denied that to myself.
If I was really honest, this was from the start.
The signs are there from the start. THe foundation itself was missing some vital parts, and so the castle on top was always about to topple to the ground too.

Take note also of anyone in your life who truly cares for you, and is not about to sit quiet while the bullshit piles up, watching you become buried underneath.

Know that if you have someone in your corner to shine a light on some painful truths, or offer you something better for your ego to ponder, there will be plenty who will be close by, claim to be close to you start squawking, wanting you to squash that conscious, loving, truthful person right out of your life.
Pay extra attention to that, I had to .. and that helped me to see the one claiming to love me, wanting me to cancel out such a good person like Rachel and friend was NOT loving me at all..
Later, you learn that the person feels totally intimdated by someone who breezes in and says "HEy, wake up, this is NOT love! Are you seriously gonna sit here and say that you fullfilled by this?" is going to raise their voice because what we they won't tell you is that if you wake up, they might get downsized. In truth, when a source of light as bright as Rach is, waltes in , your blinded awake by truths all without her saying a word.
The presence of light is enough and everyone needs the switch flipped on.

A conscious, loving friend will do the harder thing. The harder path , however, LEADS TO THE EASY LIFE. The truth is this, when we wake up, we EMPOWER those in the dark TO GROW past themselves too.
THE EASY WAY will always lead us to the HARD LIFE!!


Yet, I felt beyond overwhelmed to DO anything about anything. I truly believed I lacked power over it,my physical body screaming EXHAUSTION seemed to validate that.

It was Rachel deciding to make BETTER use of her own time, and friendships, coming by, the doctor's visit shortly behind her, that got me to begin to just STOP and slam on the mental brakes of story, of drama, of BULLSHIT from continuing one more second.
NOTHING going outside my own kids, was GOING .. was FLOWING.. and until I found the big courage to say that to someone I trusted and I knew loved me big enough to keep rooting for mY happiness, NOTHING OUTSIDE ME WAS GOING TO CHANGE. Beyond Rachel or a doctor, UNTIL I LOVED ME big enough, this would probably STILL be playing out.

Vinyasa yoga is powerful. VINYASA means FLOW.. and when our breath is not flowing ,some part of our thinking mind and emotional closet is in turmoil. Eventually leading to FIGHT OR FLIGHT, and that will immediately play out in an area of OUR LIFE to NOT FLOW either.
When we deny, repress, shove down, stuff down, NOTHING REAL can come to the surface and RELEASE ITSELF and AID in our FLOW of thinking clearer, calmer, and feeling or living better either.

In fact, when we depress, and repress, and supress, at that level , we wall off our TRUE VITAL LIFE FORCE ENERGY and truly that is what depletes us.. The physical body houses the mental and emotional bodies and when they get jammed pack to excess, or hardened with strife or heartbreak, etc.. to keep going, we go into survival, essentially becoming NUMB and EMOTIONLESS , hence going through the motions. Resisting our own feelings, because they bring us discomfort, etc has us not being able to feel, explore or express our truth. We hide our own honest feelings from ourselves and from others.


At the same time, I learned in all this that UNTIL I worked through my whole rainbow of flavors of FRUITLESS emotion, and learned to love it instead. I was still going to get an express meal delivered of a life that felt like a empty, bland plate. A Side dish, not a full plate.

Yet, I had to LOVE it for what it gave me. Whether I wanted to say it out loud or not, I was not ready, and I was unsure what to do, how it would go down.
In that fear, more hesitation set in. When we don't ACT on what we want to do, fear grows and we hold ourselves back. Hence another reason for our tight hamstrings, the back part of our legs, to feel the fear in the mind, and so they mirror that by pulling back in fear too.


I needed to hide, I needed it to be SO awful, and I could not release the need for taking action. Until I had gratitude for how it kept me SAFE so as to be able to be confident enough to release a need to hold onto the LACK, I could not find courage to play bigger.
It gave me an opportunity to keep playing small, and feel like a powerless child, and in truth, I was TERRIFIED to admit out loud how UNhappy I was, at work , in my relationship that appeared "alright" on the surface. As UNhappy as I was, I learned that sitting silent on that alone was better than getting everyone else UPSET.

No matter how much I constantly was at work wearing myself out to make things work, try harder, give things more chances, in truth, they were not working, and they were NOT going to , because they were NOT susposed to.

After a certain amount of time, we begin to wake up and SEE and FEEL how things NOT working after reasonable efforts, are NOT meant to. We can pussyfoot around it or tip toe or anything we want as long as we NEED to. Being scared to make bigger changes, is so daunting, si if there is a need for it, it is because our fears are running the show. We wonder why nothing better is happening. Fear is designed to keep us STUCK and fear of UNknown keeps us hunkered down a lot longer too. Fear gets louder, the fearful ego of others who also know things are not right, gets LOUDER when they fear they are going to be left behind. and to prevent us from NOT stepping up and daring to claim what it IS we DO WANT on our plate..

I gotta expose my ego to you, so you will know that the truth is this.... We are getting what we are putting out there either way.
OUr prayers are being answered. We can say we are saying NO to things but if our bodies are there, then we are, so on some level , WE ARE SAYING YES!
At the same time, we can say YES, but if our arms are crossed , on some level we are RESISTING too...
If I expose me humbly, then you will know that any at point of your life where you can nod your head cause your heart knows that you too deep down resonate from the place I speak from. You might resonate with this stuff better to expose you,as I am taking off the mask and shield to say,"BEEN YOU BROTHER OR SISTER, SO I FEEL YOU..
I AM ON TO YOU, simply because I HAD TO HAVE MY OWN NUMBER FIRST..

I know all to well what is like to use my own controlling ego rather than just admit I am scared..
WHat I learned PAINFULLY, but learned regardless, is that we make it so much harder than it is .. I held up the line for my business space, and the guy I was dating while holding up my own. I guess he did not want to go either, but the truth kept trying to push itself UP from the surface..When I watched things in my rental space break , fall apart, stop working out of the blue, I had to admit that there was something bigger in place that also knew this whole deal was A BUM DEAL. .. Sleeping on that, made it far worse.
I held on because I thought that was the BEST it would or could get. In truth, I had to let it go, because until we get big and bad enough to just drop to our knees and say "I GIVE".
Let it Go for me.. nothing better can replace it.
The new is always going to be greater than the old.

Looking back today, seeing how I was paralyzed at the thought to let it go, that the sky would fall down, if i admitted I was struggling or unhappy. I can see now how there was no real strength at all. There was an excessive need to control the situation, to my own satisfaction simply because I was afraid to say what I really needed to instead.
NOthing better came for me until I did.


Here is what I also learned, that if your afraid to DO the work to UNdo things..
Say out loud something very simple, and TRUST that the God that loves you , that higher power KNOWS full WELL your hugely fearful to be a bad guy or bad girl too, and admit that things are no longer working for you. THat you have outgrown things. Trust instead all you really gotta do, is SURRENDER.. and offer to get out of the way for what is NOT serving or working on behalf of a life for you to FLOW and feel GOOD in.

Say out loud, you release the need to keep battling this, and drop your sword...
Stand back and watch from a bigger perspective the power of Grace coming in and tearing down what was going to ONLY crumble before to long anyway.
No worries, your better days are only a bit away. The universe that watches lovingly over us, only wants us to be in our life THRIVING more than just surviving and getting by. That creates a RIPPLE of unhappy that spreads to others being UNhappy. When we are that miserable, we are blocked from love, from living fully and freely. That love and happy is the ultimate healing medicine for a body, a child, a family, a neighborhood, from here to the other side of the world. Both will be felt on either end.


Release a need to stay UNhappy in your own living breathing life. When you know happy, it is truly self LESS , when we FEEL that sense of contentment and life well lived, ALL WE WANT is to NOT contain it but simply to lead others to the well of that too, and drink heartily.



The universe will back it up for us either way.
After all, as RACHEL said "Until you get clear inside yourself, what it is YOU WANT for your life instead. God will let you keep starving, not because he wants that, but simply because he feeds off the choice of FREE WILL..
So, you gotta be WILLING to come forth to the kitchen and tell the head chef how you want your meal prepared.. In truth, because HE is waiting for YOU to step UP and ASK for what you WANT to see ON YOUR MENU, and it is OKAY to completely REwrite that menu.

Until then, he leaves it TRULY all up to Y O U.... the power is WITHIN you, tap the higher power of you instead when making such decisions..

I could not argue her because she was coming from a place of defenseless and being in her center. She also had done just that for her own life, so she could feel for the fearful me.
She could even love me enough to drive away and simply let me STAY where I was at, but I guess she figured while she was there listening, if I was willing to quiet down , she would take a chance and toss that simple fact at me knowing if said RIGHT with LOVE , there wouldn't be a need for a food FIGHT.

As I look back, I guess I realize now that that advice came to me in a way it could not be ignored, although, I guess because I felt so vulnerable to begin with, It took a bit of time to ALLOW something bigger to let it COME UNDONE FOR ME

That our greater power is in surrender, and allowing things to come Undone for us that no longer serve on our behalf.. Until then, we will only truly ALLOW ourselves a MORSEL of a meal for a divine life. And that is ON US to speak to OUR INNER MANAGER ABOUT.
Please don't mince words.

It is SO easy to sit and drag on about what we don't want, or what is not working, and if we ALLOW it then, we are NUKING a bigger level of self love and will settle for table scraps instead.


Rachel gave me that advice, and I can see how wanting to please everyone else at the table of Aimee DeRoehn always set me up to never get a REAL HOT TRULY DELICOUS MEAL.
I guess it comes from coming from a big family, being the oldest and wanting my brothers and sisters to NEVER go without. I ate in a way back then, where you would almost not know I was even at the table. SHocker!


Raising my siblings for a good chunk of their early years, I was often left to come home from school and bang out dinner , help with homework, give baths, clean house at such an early age. I often ate quickly, overseeing everyone else, often waiting till midnight to get my own homework done etc.. The truth is this.
We owe it to ourselves to see what is not working or messing up our smoother path, and look at where it started at the first step. The present level of thinking mind, experiences that repeat themselves over and over, have a ROOT to them..
So, until we have the understanding that if we no longer care for something to repeat itself in our lives, we must look at it subconsciously, or it continues to grow deeper ruts in the mud. Not look at it with upset, or heal it first, then we get to the AHA! I SEE WHY I AM WHAT I AM..
YOu can REwrite the mental program in a way that serves yOU BETTER. it is okay to UNlearn some of the ways we were taught.
Truly. WE should..
So, in exploring a bit of my own early ideas about what was right and not okay, based on what was taught to me, I learned this sorta thing of my wanting everyone ELSE to be first, have the best, have the biggest taught them to all have a full plate from me. Yet the part of me that felt it SELFISH to serve me , would NOT allow ME to have a full plate. So, for me, it was more like whatever anyone wanted to give me for the seconds , I guess on some level I sadly decided that was ALL i should have. So, the universe gave me for left overs and coming from a background of scarcity, taught me to just be grateful and shut up and eat..

The truth is , the universe puts someone LIKE RACHEL in OUR LIFE, or maybe USES ME as A more LOVING MESSENGER in your world, whether our ego wants to swallow it or not, or put our dukes up instead of just allowing it to digest.

Rachel was stellar, and embodies what I aim to be.

A TRUE spiritual waitress.. She knew my bigger need to stay small, obscure, stuck, powerless, and on retreat was being controlled by the bigger ingredient of fear.

I was afraid to UNdo what I knew I NEEDED to , especially alone, knowing it would not go over well.

Yet, what my fearful mind never left room on my plate for was this..
When WE are finally clear headed and clear hearted about HOW SACRED this LIFE is. We stop playing around with it, pushing work , relationships, and etc, that we really don't have a real like for to keep showing up on our plate. When we decide how much more VITAL and SOUL GIVING the more QUALITY experiences of people, work we LOVE to leap out of bed for that does not feel like work, we will keep accepting what is convenient and truly junk food.

When we get CLEAR in our head and heart for how staying in things and showing up for hours and hours at a time in places that leave our soul hungry and our ego stalking a soup kitchen defensively for something MORE than THIS to eat.. We will always GO HUNGRY, our stomach growling restless, and eventually the energy inside us gets SMALLER.. and shutting the BEST OF US down, creating physical, mental , emotional malnutrition for the soul that whispers "This is NOT nourishing me"

Having been at that place MOST of my life, and being MAD as hell QUIETLY which MASKED itself as a HUGE bib of heavy depression.

I can tell you that it IS safe and IT IS your JOB in the kitchen of your own life to find the courage to dine alone one day, dropping the ego's sharp fork , and in the silence , allow the soul of you to speak to you on what deep inside WILL FEED AND NOURISH you from the inside out.
Your time here to DINE in this life is short, and will be gone before you know it.

YOu gotta get to a place where you realize IT IS UP TO YOU , no one else to DECIDE what you want on your own UNIQUE menu that honors you, and that is what the head chef in the heavens is waiting for. It is also just as important to know that as soon as you say I AM SCARED, or say that you have spent so much time checking to see everyone else had their beverage filled and plate stacked, that maybe in fact , you spent next to NO time figuring YOU out.. The soul of you beckons and says GET TO KNOW YOU..
SO, when you say what you want, you have an energy behind it, and when you say "This is not for me' there will be an energy of strength behind your statements that no one will argue trying to keep peddling.
YOu will be RESPECTED. and YOU WILL RESPECT YOURSELF for the amount of LOVE you have grown for you, that ultimately will honor everyone else.


Everyone has different tastes, and preferences for what foods they like and what they would rather pass to the next table.
It is not different for what your life should look like too. You gotta get to a place where you realize that there is a UNIVERSE who works on your behalf, who already knows the soul of you knows what you want on your plate, what you want to clear, and you can trust that is a loving God who really feels sad when you let others spit in your food.

It is 2011, I am glad that Rachel showed up disguised as just that, A SPIRITUAL WAITRESS.. I needed to know that kinda explanation on the "Secret" of life.

She informed me also that when we say we DO NOT want this or that, the universe blanketing us, sees NOTHING as a DON't, that is why all our so called sour bits of life can be put into the compost and REcycled.
So, when we waste our time saying DON'T all the time, and the universe takes nothing as NEGATIVE or BAD , it immediately sets us up JUST FOR THAT..
CROSS OUT DON'T.. and the sentence simply reads I WANT , and we get IRONICALLY over and over and over , the leftovers of all the stuff we say we DO NOT WANT to eat..
Be honest with me.
How many times have you simply said out loud or to another the sentence that starts with the words "I DON'T WANT"
How many times? "I don't want to be late, keep arguing about this, want this to keep happening , go through this anymore, want you to do this anymore.."

ONLY to have to REPEAT it as you felt you were not heard, or saying it again, means you mean BUSINESS...
How many times have you said I DON"T WANT only to have the very thing you stated you did not want KEEP ON...

The universe is a huge copy machine.. Take out "Don't" and it reads I WANT TO BE LATE, KEEP ARGUING , KEEP DOING THIS."
Get it?


I know , I know , alot of info here, chew on it, a little bite at a time, but don't sit at your table anymore of your own life on this one fact.
IT IS A NEW YEAR..
It iS OKAY to scrape your plate and decide once and for all, that it is SELFLESS to say out loud what you want to eat, or that your tastebuds have changed,
After all, ME, YOU, WE are the ones WHO EAT IT ANYWAY.
Your the one eating it, so if you decide you happen NOT to like it? It is Ok. It is food that another might want a bite of that suits them better instead.

Quit holding up your line and know that the line you hold up holds it up for the others.


If you don't feel you can ask for what you want as I ALWAYS NEVER DID.. You will find yourself abandoning the table more than really taking your seat..
EAT and LIVE WELL.. if not now, WHEN?
Your spiritual waitress...
In finally allowing myself what I want, in not pushing that around on my plate, waiting in suffered silence on another meal cart or menu to come around, I get it more than ever that I AM THE ONE who EATS it, better make it a meal I want to LEAP TO THE TABLE FOR.
IF i can finally have that, I will save you the trouble of standing on the sidelines in LUNCHLADY land, and I invite you to the big kids table with me.
I write to you ONLY and in my fullest heart's support you get what I seek, the MEAL of your life that YOU also really want..
EASIER HAPPIER DIGESTION for your system follows..

I know the MEATY courage it takes to BREAK NEW BREAD.
So, let's come to the table and do it together.
EAT , DRINK and BE MERRY....

Waking up to the universe knowing that IT is waiting ON US TO SIT DOWN AND ORDER FROM THE MENU that our SOUL hungers for..