It is ONLY change .... :) The yoga teacher speaks openly about her own "process"

Act 1? Our empty mind, a ball of clay, in hands of all others, molding us with THEIR beliefs, opinions," say so". Filling our heads with all they know, and who THEY THINK WE ARE. We are told we DON"T KNOW, so we give it up to THEM. Act 2? DEfending who it is we THINK we are. Act 3? Growing up, getting over ourselves, dropping swords & being willing to REcreate "us" anew.



If your reading this, and your pondering , or mulling over what I said? Then, you my friend are a SEEKER. You largely looked and listened to others OUTside you to create you. Somehow, what once was working is not working well or at all. You have grown restless, bored, agitated, discontent. Some part of you INside is trying to get your attention, or is about to. You maybe have been aware inside for a long time, yet in fear of the NEW, you keep that bigger knowing closeted. Regardless, it is getting through to you anyway. Usually in the silence.
Maybe, you want to make some changes, but your afraid of the response or reaction from others? Maybe you are not comfortable with certain feelings or your waking up in the night or tossing and turning but saying to another "go back to sleep, I am FINE".
Inside, your saying what you will. Yet, there is a part of you your fighting. A part of you that has outgrown something or other.


So, if You are finding this, then YOU have been spotted dear one.
No one would know better than me, that maybe despite appearances, and images, and what your saying.. there is a part of you that no longer is content with a certain something or other. Be it an unhealthy habit, mindset, attitude, experience, weight, job, geography, relationship.

You are sensing something inside or outside, that maybe just does not feel right, fit anymore, or make ANY sense whatsoever.

I want you to know this. I wrote this because Like attracts LIke. I too am RIGHT WITH YOU, so I write this to share and to hold space , necessary space. I wrote this because to strip it all down? I FEEL YOU.


For a long time now, I have been on a journey. A journey using power yoga, and all this mind- body mojo & it's practices as solid tools for me to strengthen, deepen, and heal some parts of me , retrieving also some parts of me I once ditched to appease others, or rejected myself when those outside me did.


I have been on a path where I slowly began to understand and explore an Aimee Leona DeRoehn from the inside out. Yoga has been the supportive vehicle to help grow my esteem to look within and with a the bigger perspective to the process of healing ANYTHING. It has moved me back into alignment with a more whole version of the self, WHOLE is surely more gracefully stronger than a self that is scattered, fearful or in pieces.
When we are more intact, it is like being on ALL cylinders, head, heart and body aligned with the present moment in front of us, rather than stuck in yesterday or yesteryear or anxious about the future.
That said? Those processes for me personally over the last several years have taught me a few things I offer you.
When we are more intact and centered in head , heart and body with the NOW?

We have moved closer to our own "inner guru", our own intuitive voice that will always pave and lead the way to the RIGHT LIFE. When we begin to value that inner voice again, and act on its guidance, rather than stuff it down, we begin to lose interest in ALL the excess opinions, suggestions, and direction from others. We begin to figure out our own intuition we have sorta left curbside, because we believed OTHERS knew BETTER for us? We see how ditching it and ignoring it has not always been for our BEST interest.
Instead, going along with , letting others tell us or think for us, can and has steered us into things, places, and people that got us there by someone who was NOT with our BEST in mind, or by someone who was NOT really getting US, or wanting to see us where they wanted us instead.
When we begin to get back to trusting that small voice inside, whether it be on a yoga mat or in life, when we stop second guessing it? We begin to see it working ON OUR BEHALF.
We begin to trust it, and suddenly it teaches us to TRUST OURSELVES MORE. With a sense of trust about the direction we are taking , we DO grab stronger to the wheel of our own life, really being able to rely on that guidance, rather than doubt it, or cast it aside simply means we begin to show up to life, with MORE faith and LESS fear. We set down a need to prove ourselves, or defend something we feel guided from within. We stop asking others for direction on what we should do, if it is okay for us to feel a certain way, if we can have permission to move towards something or someone or someplace new.

Added bonus, When we are more filled up from withIN, we have more to offer others. MUCH MORE.


All this is sure easier being said or reading than it is to do the work to get to this place.

So, If possible, I want to share with you that all that yoga has taught me, was ME being a WORK IN LENGTHY process.


Lengthy because I resisted and fought instead what I have always actually known. Yet, I also want you to know that I am in Act 3 right now. It took awhile for me to get here because I was not ready or hungry enough for THIS deeper, more advanced part of the journey. By the way, no one , NO ONE, can take that journey for us. Nor should they. We would be cheating ourselves, and missing out, on valuable wisdom we would not get otherwise unless we have walked that path, or go inside the self, to return back to that inner voice that will always steer us in the right direction. That will get us to know by way of feeling what is right , what is not for us.

There is timing and stepping stones to our whole life journey. I was mislead. I once ever felt getting to the destination, hearing that final boarding call.. In truth, it is the journey. WE rush the journey, in a big yank to get to the end.
Yet, it is all the parts between the first step and the end that we must pay attention to, celebrating every step will create a sense of joy and curiousity about the process.
It is ALL the growing pains and steps we had to go through to ensure it was indeed OUR journey in its RIGHT timing. For me to get to Act 3, I had to be willing to explore and BE with and then say goodbye with GRACE Act 1 and 2.

I feel as though I am waking UP. I needed to. It was time. It was TIME to wake up, a LONG TIME AGO. To be frank, I felt it THEN. Yet, I preferred to stay asleep, or pretend to sleep, because I was scared to go beyond where and who I was.

Ya see, our ego mind only KNOWS yesterday, and all that went with it. Our minds prefer things to STAY the same, it is what we are comfortable with, what we KNOW.

Yet, nothing changes if nothing changes. if the mind is scared of NEW, then we make sure nothing DOES change.

For a long time, I have been in a space where I, the yoga teacher was AFRAID to GROW. On and off my own mat, in my own teaching, in the roles and versions of Aimee I and others only ever knew UP TO NOW.

I was not just afraid to let go of what I KNEW, who or what my life was. I was REALLY REALLY afraid.

Yet, despite fear, resistance, and reaction, I became aware of something inside me trying to get my attention.

It started as this sort of strong, but gentle nudging. That nudging, that feeling inside freaked me out!!! Initially, I did all the things I only ever did for defense mechanisms. I stayed busy, I ate long after I was not hungry, I went to the kitchen when I had ZERO hunger, I fidgeted, I tossed and turned in my bed in the dark, I stayed awake and kept busy when I needed sleep, I would turn the radio up to drown out the feeling. I avoided yoga or running or hiking in the quiet of the woods, because i did not want to FEEL what I felt. It is in our body that we FEEL things, our heart and our gut. Like it or not, it is truth we can run from for awhile, but if it is really TRUE and NECESSARY for us to listen TO? It does not go away.
I avoided it because I FELT something inside pushing, poking me , prodding me to want to make some... GASP!!! CHANGE!!!! Personally, and in my life. Yet, my ego and life that I only ever was familiar with was MY COMFORT zone. My life and my mindset liked , and for a long time things to REMAIN the SAME. So, I began this sort of tiny, bigger battle within. I will save you the trouble and time. A FEARFUL ego primes itself for a fight it NEVER WILL WIN. TRUTH CAN NOT HIDE.

We can stuff it out or stuff our head, ears, and bodies with ALL WE WANT. IT will find a way through anyway. I knew this even while engaged in a lengthy, tiresome, battle with myself.
NO matter just how much my big head tried to wage or win the war with a far BIGGER WISER heart. God ensures that the truths we NEED to pay attention to, will find its way to the surface. My former teacher, Baron Baptiste has this simple, but stellar saying "Close the energy in one area, it will find its way through another.
Here is the truth. I could try to avoid it WITHIN all I wanted, yet, it started showing up in other places.

I began to witness it coming through the kind, firm voice of others that LOVED me BIGGER to speak the real deal that I , Aimee DeRoehn was attempting to mask, or minimize. To really make sure I heard it what I felt , it also began to show up in my body. Through excess weight, through tightness in my chest, through injury in my left hip and shoulder, through insomnia, or being extremely suddenly wiped out,

Still I fought the better knowing. So, instead my body began to fight, and my own physical health started to fall apart too.

Finally, a very kind, well respected doctor took a loving, firm look at me and said "MAKE SOME CHANGES NOW that will make your spirit THRIVE inside that body of yours or COUNT ON A CANCER, or some other illness.

"I can give you a prescription for such and such or I can RESPECT and CARE for you more as a patient and give you the real deal. Which do you prefer? I was getting to tired and to sick and tired of BEING sick and tired to argue anymore.

"Give it to me, whether I like it or not, Doc."

"Your body is tired, sick, and shutting down because your spirit INside is unhappy, being contained, and all set with things as they are. I have a sense you know this but your avoiding the truth inside.
But my guess is that you are moving towards a depression, which is weakening the immune system , and created more repeated illnesses, and ailments.
The real PAIN in THE ASS here is that you have no real magnetics any longer for MUCH of your life. You are aware of it, repressing it is going to restrict life force, and resisting the truth is not going to make it go away either. Fight it and you won't be just working through a depression. You will struggle yourself right to an early grave. Face it, admit it, and do what you know you need to and LET GO and watch your health improve too! And PLEASE, will you just forgive yourself for things not in your control, things you would not do had you known better, or if you paid more attention to your own inherent GOOD SENSE?? A need to punish yourself is making you hurt all over too. So, while your at it, forgive others too. I am not trying to scare you Kid, I am trying to steer you back to HEALTH from the inside out."
Tough medicine to swallow, but HEALING and humbly GOOD MEDICINE just the same! Put like that? We put down the fight.

Another dear friend, and mentor said " Quit chasing, just sit still, settle down, Get clear , get grounded, and rooted, and then let things come TO YOU."



All were and are RIGHT.

So, I write this with tears. My sicknesses, etc. were more exacerbated by fear of making changes. It was though I had one foot in the old, and one in the new. I knew deep inside the OLD did not fit me anymore or feel right, Yet the new was .. well, NEW. and RISKY, and UNKNOWN , and that was to edgy to cross or move into. With one foot in the old, and one in the new, and the mind afraid to put BOTH feet in the NEW....
Well, you might say I got stuck for awhile. I also put PLENTY of excess efforts on things NOT working AT ALL. After awhile, you begin to see that what takes that MUCH WORK to make it WORK without MUCH improvement or success? is NOT GOING TO, or IT IS NOT MEANT TO.

Yet, the more I denied something? Dug my heels in and worked harder? Kept trying to turn DOWN the inner Dolby surround sound? The louder it got. Only "louder" was not in the way Webster's defines it.

Ya see, it was not shouting. It was NOT fighting with me. It got stronger, and yet quieter.
By the way, that is HOW you know the difference. The ego gets scared of what is being sensed inside, and so it gets louder. The heart of us (soul) however, knows there is no power or real strength at all in raising the voice and REacting.
It instead shows its power by getting stronger, with MORE Grace, by getting more LOVING while still speaking very simply. By teaching us, LESS IS MORE.

Yet, I am a late bloomer on transforming in the right timing. Maybe because I do not wear a watch, and wish instead to cling to what I have only ever known.
Yet, no matter how much I tried to stuff it down, deny it, stay busy to avoid FEELING it, keep trying to command it so nothing would change. It kept finding me, in the stillness, while I cleaned house, went on drives alone by myself, away from the noisiness of others. It also really found me when hiking in the woods, in the quiet of nature, in the early morning before the world's decibel could drown it out, being busy could get moving and take me with it.

I would FEEL it, this inner voice, this inner knowing that was trying to speak simply to my head to say "Admit it, you have changed, so THIS is no longer right for you. or "Admit it, you want MORE but you think you must keep settling for LESS. or bigger, "Admit it, YOUR NOT HAPPY anymore, and if your honest, you have NOT been TRULY happy for a long time. Everything looks right on the outside, but INside you know the bigger truth and the better truth. Admit it, your afraid to tell others how you feel for fear you will hurt them, upset them or worse PISS EM OFF."

Try as I may to fight it or argue myself or argue another. I had outgrown some things about myself , and my life that only mirrored a "former" Aimee, could say anything to anyone outside me. I could even look at myself in the mirror and try to convince myself what I FELT was NOT RIGHT.


In essence and in truth? What I felt was scary. Especially to my own ego that was scared to change. Scared to be that bold with myself. Yet, my inner voice did not deserve to be shut off, or shut down. NO matter what I attempted to present, or pretend to myself or others?

IT knew the truth, I was not happy, I had also stayed in things LONG completed inside, I was entirely FILLED to the brim of my bucket on certain parts of my life. I was COMPLETE and ALL DONE with things I actually always THOUGHT I would NEVER outgrow or want or NEED to EVER part with. Raw truth? I was sick of certain parts of myself I once would rather cling to, or defend, or rationalize or justify.

And yet? Still, I was fighting this bigger voice, because it simply represented a ME that I was only ever afraid to step into, yet somewhere along the way, that Aimee kept evolving and growing herself anyway. She was wanting to take her seat. For me to exceed a need for a smaller self steering me through a smaller, lackluster life, she would HAVE to be ALLOWED to take her seat.


Do you ever notice right about the time some part of us knows it is about to let GO?

There is a sense of anxiety, maybe total panic, a strong reaction where we try to argue with what we felt? In all this, we definitely cling tighter?? WE grip, defend, hold on with all our might? Perhaps, Get angrier with our feelings. Try to stuff them down deeper. Argue with someone else's sharper vision to spot this?

Do you ever notice that denying things does not make them go away? Shoving them aside, or stuffing them down begins to feel like a big beach ball we held under water a long time, only to have it POP RIGHT BACK UP?

WHAT WE RESIST if it is TRUE does not go away, it PERSISTS.

Once we get exhausted enough? We see that our energy is DRAINED by the false pretenses, pretending, posing. Our ego mind, that never will win that bigger battle? It finally begins to stop battling the heart. We begin to understand that we have an inner compass for a reason. It is meant to be respected and valued by LISTENING to it, and taking ACTION so that we KNOW if we KNOW what we THINK we know!

It is our intuition, a knowing we were all born with, yet in listening to others, or being told we did not know better? We looked to tune into the voice of others instead.
In being more in tune to that, and not with ourselves, maybe we turned it down or turned it off. Perhaps, we never took that knowing seriously to begin with so it never got a real shot at developing. Maybe we filled up our bodies with excess food, processed food, sugar, cigarettes, caffeine, drugs , alcohol.. ALL are things that DEPRESS and DULL our vitality, and our own FEELING. All things to make or keep things fuzzy, or cloudy, to keep our own SENSATIONAL inner sensation from sharper High Def!

Yet, why? What are we doing? By WE, I mean ME as well as anyone else.

The truth is this. It is that feeling that will ALWAYS be like a best friend, really looking out FOR us, keep us safe when needed. It is also practical. If our mind is more quiet, and less cluttered up with anxiety, fear, or excess chatter? It will be able to help us to REmember what we need to REMEMBER. Whether it be to pick up milk and toilet paper at the grocery store, or take this exit, or to call so and so before the day is over.
Most of all, it has no interest in steering us to anything but THE RIGHT PLACES and PEOPLE, and OPPORTUNITIES.

When we finally stop arguing this,we begin to understand the soul of us has the RIGHT information our own logic could benefit by listening to. Later, we look back and we say things like "I KNEW IT."
Our intuition stays on our ass on purpose! Later, we always look back and say I should have done this ages ago, I just felt like I should a long time. Or, I felt this before. Man, "Had I only listened before,I "just knew", I just had this "sense" this strong hunch, this "feeling". etc.

All we are referring to was the voice inside. Now have you ever noticed that as you are getting ready to embrace the direction or path you feel you should take?


Then, there appears to be others, who without our saying a word, intuitively get a "sense" there is something happening, there is a part of us changing, fading out or separating. They get scared. Out of that fear, comes a bigger need to cling, REact, or criticize an us that is moving towards making that very shift. Perhaps, they boldly try to put their foot down, or block or condemn who or what path we want to go towards. "Chaos always comes BEFORE a shift", the chaos is from the ones who FIGHT THE SHIFT. There seems to be more turbulence if one is not ready to go in the same direction, but does not want you to leave THEM either.

Sometimes, the hard thing and the right thing are the very same. If we or others can not love us BIGGER to set us free, well, um.. then it gets edgy.

You know you are REALLY all complete on something, if we can find the courage to speak our truth about changes withOUT a need to DEFEND or engage in REaction with others.


When we get done fighting ourselves, we lose the need to pick the sword back up to fight with others. Save your energy, and move towards compassion instead. After all, when you have done the exploration within to talk your self off your own ledge. You know your off the ledge when you can let go with LOVE and GRATITUDE.


That will work with ANYTHING we decide to part with. It lessens the need for added resistance pain , backlash, punishment and drama. The ego fighting change will only look for more SUFFERING about it. PAY NO MIND. :) See that all that is REALLY happening is that we (we, meaning YOU AND ME) have OUTgrown a version of US that once NEEDED all the things, people, and smaller mindset that fit GRRRREAT with who we were A TIME BEFORE. Yet, we are ALL evolving, and we are ALL susposed to. We once NEEDED to be crawling before walking, show up for 2nd grade BEFORE it was TIME to graduate to the 3rd grade. There was once a time we NEEDED training wheels, before we took off on a mtn. bike, or maybe to please someone else, we once needed to stay with the career that others thought we should want to choose, but after enough time being miserable, or calling in sick, we get it that is NOT our thing. There was timing to all of it. There was a natural process to all of it also. If we can get back to being in awe of what is natural, we see there is a natural timing to things. Nothing NATURALLY shows up before its "time". Look at nature and we see that.


I share this with you. There are parts of my personality, parts of my life that mirrored that smaller, scared sense of self that honestly, no longer "gell" or reflect who I am moving towards TODAY. Yet, I could not fight that anymore, or the fight came to a HALT, because at one time, that version of me, and that life once ONLY ever fit the bill for a more timid, smaller, Aimee who wanted and NEEDED to stay comfortable, stay safe, and cozy up to a certain sense of self. Definitely a self that only had a need to never go to far beyond my comfort zone.

Also, largely much of a version of me that was largely created by others who really were NOT in tune to me. Or being said by a very harsh ego.

Lately, in my attempts to sit still MORE, I can hear better that inner guidance. It is finding me at a time in my life where I have decided that my bucket is full. TO FULL.. It is time to clear the decks, dump the bucket, KICK the bucket entirely on a me that is NOT really me.
It has been vulnerable, edgy, and scary to say the least.

Yet, also a relief. Most of my life was all built on sand. Much of this once fit, and now tugs and pinches and hurts to stay suited up instead.

Act 3 , being humble enough to share and speak to this, and be empty myself completely.
So, I can be filled back up with something far BETTER instead.

I am grateful for ALL the characters, experiences etc that showed up to show me who I am TRULY NOT.

I love all of it, and say goodbye to it, to an Aimee who THOUGHT it TRUE with grace.

I support YOUR PATH and who are you NOW becoming as well..

WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
xxxooo

what we resist persists,.... getting unstuck.. from INside the yoga teacher's view..

from the pages of my book... "I spent my whole life running from pain, be it physical, mental or emotional.. ...



Physical tension compromised of all the other sports I did & wanting to waste NO time stretching when I could be lifting , running , boxing or ANYthing else instead... mental from the inner critic in my head, and emotional from childhood trauma and just the shit that went down that I just did NOT want to FEEL thank you VERY much. I used near every vice in the world to numb, escape, essentially NOT feel.. I ran miles and miles to stay far away from pain, therefore my pain?a huge part of me, that I could not accept.. I stayed and strayed far away FROM myself..I numbed myself through food, I chose shallow relationships on purpose so I never really had to let anyone go near or get near my own heart. IN the end???"I made it my job to love others and put so much time into all that, that I ate up the clock with loving OUTSIDE so that no one came or got that close to me. NOt on my watch. Power yoga taught me one simple thing. What WE RESIST PERSISTS.. That it was AVOIDING pain that was creating my suffering.. NOT feeling it..I was scared to death to go near that part of myself, to be vulnerable. Vulnerable and admitting the truth to yourself IS HOW we get brave enough to go towards what we are all fearing.. or feeling bad about. FEAR lessens and when you go into what you feel that is HURTING.. your vulnerablity is your essence and strength.. is where you retrieve back a piece of power and will PUSH YOU THROUGH with soul force, not bullying our way through.. Meeting ourselves where we are at is acceptance, none of us have to LIKE what is happening, but accepting it means oNe thing. WE STOP JUDGING and FIGHTING it.. and that is the gateway to heal.

WHat is brought to light becomes light..having gone through my own fires, and WALKING through them I feel I am more than qualified to speak to you.. Hey, God will use the flimsiest resume.. The deal is this, the thing we are afraid to do, feel, go towards?? IS what we will always be up against in mind too..
Not going towards it is what will keep it chasing our mental tail.. Not to mention, it will be what we LOSE power over to..
In truth, I was reminded of it again tonight...
Sorry, did ya think I was SO above anything or you these days? Nah, guess again.
I am what you are.. A TRANSFORMATION in progress..

Plus, it is good to think you mastered something only to have the universe toss it back at you again to see how that mastery thing is whipping itself up.
;)

Tonight, in my own practice, I found myself in a place that I had not been used to for a long time. Normally, having had built a discipline of this practice, meditation etc from the ground up, to create a solid foundation I normally have ZERO problem climbing down the mental staircase and being totally present with my practice, my body, breath, aligment, and the class itself. Yet, tonight ALL OVER THE PLACE..

For those of you who are not throwing down regular downdogs? (No worries, I am not reserving anything for ONLY those who do. YOUR acceptance whether you do downdog or not is not a concern to me. YOu only have an all access pass!!!)

So, anyways.. tonight, I was all over the place on my mat.. Now , many do not get how this whole yogah thing works! Well, when we can not find physical balance, it is because we are disconnected from the body, pose, life as we are in our heads to much.. The mental calm is guiding the rest.. ONly for me.. there was a pretty deafening mental Metallica concert in my head that seemed to want to bang on a drum all the live long day..

I was feeling like anyone else would be about it. FRUSTRATED.. ANNOYED..
Like I said, I am NOT that different from YOU when you have something ruminating through your mental closet.. No doubt it is just as difficult to be fully paying attention to the thing in front of you..
Try as we might to PUSH it OUT of the mind, yeah right!!!

Eventually, feeling so OFF..I just stopped.. I just laid down on my bed, and thought "Man , what the heck is my problem??"

Hint, if you ask , you will get an answer..All the sudden, my body was able to give me a message.. Our bodies communicate to us through feeling, that is the only way they know how..
My body was in pain. Plain and simple.. Physical pain, but when I probed deeper and finally it came to me. I was in pain and conflict and torn up about something else in my heart. My head knew it too, and the two seemed to mirror each other.
When I just finally STOPPED fighting. fighting being so off balance, the practice feeling hard in a way it normally does not.There in was the answer.
I was in pain, and therein lied my journey THROUGH it..

I suddenly just laid there quiet enough, and closed my eyes, and asked WHAT was tieing me up, what was consuming me that was so awful , it was seeping into my practice, my day , my driving down South last week.

There in the dark I knew. When I finally allowed it to come up from the surface , I began to feel my eyes well up, and hot tears stung my cheeks, and then just a whole baby back of sobs...

Yet you know what? When I finally remembered what this practice taught me, that it was the way to bring myself some relief, hence breathing room.
Repressed emotions by the way, not dealt with??

They NUMB US.. They close OFF the vital energy of a loving heart. We become emotionless instead. WE think we are doing ourselves some big favor, in truth, take it from the girl who ran all the time so she could be anywhere but in her emotional landscape was actually begining to create an emotional dead zone..
Let's face it, NO ONE wants to hurt..
But as REM says, "EVERYBODY HURTS SOMETIMES"
If you want to get through that time a bit faster, then GO TOWARDS IT..

From a spiritual perspective, aka metaphysical level, (emotional reasons and blocks for our phsical stress , tension, sickness etc..) Tension is just an energy block, be it physical, mental or emotional...
EMOTIONS are described as ENERGY IN MOTION.. except when we get dropped off an emotional cliff, it takes our breath away and we just move into survival zone instead, just getting through the motions..
The body sets this up for a mechanism we can employ when going through any sort of experience where REALITY JUST BITES..
The breath is walled off when we are so hurt, scared, stressed, etc.. The breath walls off on purpose..

NOT breathing , NOT FEELING or severely LIMITING our feeling about what is happening.. Sometimes, we just shut down and shut in and close off or squeeze our eyes shut and without even being aware, we wall off our own breathing too. So, that if it hurts, or it is painful, or bad, at LEAST we don't REALLY feel the truth of JUST HOW MUCH.

So, what occurs is the body is all encompassing and understanding that it is the MIND that won't go towards it. In truth, the body has the superior wisdom to know if this is not addressed, WE AINT GETTING BEYOND IT..

I did not any of this mind body stuff back then.. UNTIL yoga. I was the one MOST in pain, and yet MOST disconnected from the understanding that my LIFE experiences , past or the ones in front of me, were creating my PHYSCIAL fatigue, my depression, my anxiety, my tension, my getting sick all the time.
I was sick and tired truly the most when I was in the MOST UNhealthy, UNsupportive relationships.
Worse? So were my kids!!!!

So, now I can share some of this with you, whether it is kinda embarrasing or not , because when we KNOW BETTER , we can DO BETTER..

So, in hopes of sharing my trainwrecks, all the stuff I avoided, and would not face or admit or get help for.. I blocked my own physical health too.

Feelings are felt IN the body, no one says "I THINK I have a heart ache, or stomach ache or headache..
IT IS FELT..

What we FEEL is how our body, (hence the intuitive voice INside us) that is only ever looking out for us, and what would be good for us , and will keep us safe on a practical level, but also keep us getting to the RIGHT stuff of life is a voice we basically have been taught to shut out.. We tune more into to OTHERS, we ask everyone else for their suggestion, opinion , advice..
We began doing this as children , seeking grown ups to guide us. Some did a great job and their words really steered us in the RIGHT direction, MANY were so lost themselves, and we learn that later when we end up in some bushes in our life..
What is it we ALWAYS say in the end?? " I KNEW IT, I knew I should have done.. gone... said yes, said no etc..
"I just had A FEELING"

Is the language we all use right? I just had a "SENSE" . I just had a FUNNY FEELING that I should NOT xyz.... Something INside me said listen to my gut, listen to my heart"

Yet , we spent a majority of time turning the volume DOWN, yet we feel it or hear things inside or have a knowing loud and clear..
PAY attention to that if it keeps occuring, pay attention to something you feel or keep thinking about over and over..
THAT is your internal compass trying to steer you and guide you.. To keep you safe, or keep your where you should now be..

BY the way, maybe if I expose my own ego here, you might undertand me better when I say..or ask you..
HOw much time have we thought or felt we should do XYZ? ONLY to have our inner critic, which is also largely birthed by the one most influential in your life instructing you, NOT rooting for YOU to be your best, succeed, be happy, do anything THAT major etc..

TURN THAT VOLUME DOWN, not your own heart and gut sense..
WE were all born with that internal compass, and what I have learned and researched constantly?

The internal compass is our higher self , all knowing , leading us in the RIGHT direction... It is the voice within that is meant to be our very best friend. If we tune into it, we will know to begin to trust it..
IT looks out for us, and it keeps us moving towards what would make us thrive, and be happiest.

WE MUST deal with what we won't feel, because if we won't feel , we stay DISengaged from the higher knowing part of ourselves..

Close off the energy in one place, it will want to find another way OUT..
TRUTH always wants to RISE above, we make ourselves UNneccessarily sick when we deny it.
IF we won't admit it to us, we wil NOT admit it to another..
I did not want to admit I was suffering , I was in pain.. Because I could not go near it with a yardstick, but it chased me around my whole life instead.. I would NOT be able to EVER begin to get beyond it either..
Back then, or tonight...

TOnight, having remembered all this SIMPLE mind body wisdom, I realized my PHYSICAL pain, was also created by blocking my feelings from coming through..
From ignoring them, trying to do my old same old thing, shoving them aside..
Shutting myself off, keeping myself EXTRA busy
ANYTHING to not go there..
Only here is the secret no one informed us in a health class..


TENSION, creates RESISTANCE. and not facing or feeling our pain blocks off the flow of our mental , emotional , physical well being..
WE can do all kinds of stuff in the meantime to avoid it, bury it, etc LIKE I WAS..
BUt all we are gonna do is STAY STUCK WITH IT. probably nearly every minute of time..
HENCE NO FREEDOM FROM IT..

and NO FEELING , yet, still it sits inside trying to PUSH itself up to the surface of our bodies, our hearts our minds...

IT is ALL CONNECTED you know .. well, NOW you do..
NOt dealing , we block it... blocking it is like a huge river that now has a big damn obstructing the river from flowing..

The energy in our bodies is the very exact same. When we will not feel our shit, it blocks off the emotional energy. When we won't recognize that , we numb ourselves, and there is your STUCK ENERGY..
WE think the pain is the problem..
It is NOT .. the pain is not the thing that hurts most. THe pain itself or the thing on our mind, inside us the most is INFORMATION from the body about why YOU FEEL the way you do..
WHen it feels ignored, it GETS LOUDER.. it raps HARDER, it pushes , pokes, prods and wants OUT..
Ignore it long enough, and by the time it is dealt with, usually the IMPloding finally EXPLODES. It is far bigger issue, not because it IS that big a deal, but because the pain builds bigger INside , and wants OUT.

Once we get that, we can begin to understand , if we block off our feelings all the time, we are setting up for a constant DAM of energy flow our bodies need to keep alive and to stay healthy..

When there is to much obstruction in the way from what is and has not simply been dealt with???
Take it from me . LEARN from me.. The body gets so exhausted, and worn down. HOLDING the truth of pain IN is what actually takes a LOT of energy from us, VITAL energy we need..
It is simply the equivalent of clenching our bodies so tight. Eventually, we MUST lset go, surrender the CLENCHING, the BALLING UP, the SQUEEZING and HOLDING IT ALL IN..
because we become sheerly exhausted by all the time we spent HOLDING it in. when we are doing this, we hold our breath in too..

TEnsion being held and not handled with care, BEGS to free itself from US..It is our mind, our closed off angry heart, etc. that WON"t let go..

It is the MIND in the WAY of the body..
When really the body says "hey, let's just face this, lay it down, admit it, grieve, surrender etc..

SO, tonight being reminded so STRONGLY of what I only live , speak and breathe in my teaching..

Tonght, the yoga teacher had to lay down her frustration. It was just ONE practice, why get so worked up. Yoga did not care what was happening, in fact YOGA energy says BRING iT..
Yoga and the spriritual practices seem to say "I KNOW YOUR TRUTH, YOUR BODY WON't LIE. I KNOW your struggling , come anyway etc..
Yoga taught me to be ALL ENCOMPASSING, not all or nothing like I was so rigidly conditoned , therefore always coming or going..

To go towards my pain with an easy mild mannered approach as though it was my own children's pain.
I began to cry, and then I cried harder, and I admitted to myself what hurt so much. Then, after some heavy ass sobs, some snot ;) , and the deepest tears held at the root. I found my tight shoulders and hips let go..
i felt space in my lungs for me to breathe again, I felt space FROM what was troubling me deep down the most. I felt SPACE to think and feel something ELSE as it did not consume me so painfully anymore..
NOthing changed, but EVERYTHING had , I HAD changed..

I had laid down the need to dive back into much more emotional eating, dive back into a super whirlwind of activity to NOT feel to NOT have the time to SIT STILL and BE , I laid it down, laid me down, got the answers inside, cried a good bit if time. and then, the intensity of it let go of me..

because my mind and heart STOPPED FIGHTING.
IN truth, I make it my job now to embrace what I feel.. IF I won't go towards MY feelings with any love or compassion or gentlenes? Damn staight I am NOT going to be able to feel anything close to that for what is paining you..
If I won't go towards MY own emotonal discomfort.what makes you think I could possibly hold a bigger space than others would FOR YOURS..

If I won't FEEL, then I have lost the ability to FEEL period, intuiitive guidance included..

THINK LESS , FEEL MORE..
Ps.. If you were raised by someone who spent years AVOIDING , or DENYING, or using anything to GO Towards their stuff..
THey sure could not teach you anything different..
They may try to SAY anything, but INSIDE we FEEL the difference...

Bring back YOUR FEELING HEART..
As soon as you go towards the thing your mind fears most? THERE IS NO FEAR.. and we see it is more a JEDI mind trick the EGO plays on US..
When there is NO fear based thinking, there is NO fear FEELING, when there is NO fire of fearful thinking and feeling, there is NO EXPERIENCE That occurs to VALIDATE FEAR..

WHen there is courage to go towards the doors we won't open, and finally we do, POWER is returned, CONFIDENCE and feeling OKAY with A PART of ourselves that was only SHUT OFF or we stayed tuned OUT too??

Means we STOP fighting discomfort, and EMPOWER ourselves and not some vice that will only be a short term relationship from US , we learn to be more all encompassing of ALL OUR FEELINGS< not just our "good happy easy ones"..

Yoga , SElf love, teach UNconditional .. and it teaches us COURAGE does not mean we only go near something when the fear is gone.. THE MIND WILL RUN THAT STORY OF FEAR and ANGST ALL DAMN DAY into our sleep!!!
COUrage , TRUE courage is to be able to face that part of ourselves that cries out to inform us how our body is holding up. If we ignore that feeling, we might lose THE OPPORTUNITY to get info to us BEFORE we get so sick instead..

If we ingore that part of us, then we DISS US..

and that will have us going through life feeling everyone else has a lack of regard for our feeling. Everyone else is not supporting our feelings, or acknowledging them...
THE BUDDHA said "YOUR MIND IS CREATING YOUR WORLD>. YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS are creating YOUR LIFE..

YOU FEEL FOR YOU. first, YOU support you FIRST, YOU acknowledge YOu first, then it stops being so painful if others don't , or you will see that PEOPLE OUTSIDE YOU WILL MIRROR YOu..

I had NO plan a few hours ago to write to you and share this. I had NO plan of sharing my pain with ME..
I also was wiped out for the last few hours, then the crying gave me energy and a more settled feeling BACK..
Avoiding pain, numbing out, denying truth, is not how I can roll anymore. EVen if it slaps me in the face, kicks my emotional heart to the curb, PRETENDING to myself is not an option..
Yoga taught me TO GET REAL..

and besides, once you found a taste of something better, YOU NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THE OLD WAY.. OLD LIFE..
I felt REnewed after crying and just surrendering..There was an intensity that lifted itself, a more settled feeling in mind. SETTLED MORE IN MIND and HEART..
MORE RELAXED IN BODY, and BREATH comes IN and OUT easier too. WHy? Simple.. NOTHING ABOUT the mind is IN the way of it..


NEW was it indeed.. after all, the way out is THROUGH..
BLOCKED ENERGY no longer a noose around me..
FREEDOM...
BE FREEDOM. KEEP THE FLOW GOING... and begin to VALUE your own feelings, like em or not.. if they are YOUR FEELINGS, and you won't acknowledge them? YOU won't acknowlege you, so who else will? YOur feelings are of value, because YOU are of value..
Period, the END. Where did we get it , everyone else's feelings matter and we spend countless hours doting on theirs, and scratching us off the list..

Yet, the thing is ? What I learned ??? FEEL FOR ME MORE.. FEEL MORE HEART FOR ALL, NOT LESS..
Usually, the missing piece here is we first VALIDATE US , and then we move into a bigger space of understanding having been slighted etc..
What is blocking your path IS the path.. and we can not get far past it otherwise... no matter how much we look the part, or pretend..
Who better than ME to know?
I FEEL YOU..
PS. Feel free to get a hold of me and TAKE ME WITH YOU when you wish not to face it alone.. TOgether , we go where we would NOT go alone... and I already FELT and LIVED MOST EVERYTHING..
IF I am not running scared from my experience or pain. I can HANDLE YOUR OWN to EMPOWER YOU to go there too. Somtimes, we just need some back up from one who has been near his or her own similar..
Like I said, we aint different..

NOT REALLY..

What is brought to light BECOMES LIGHT..
AIm
LOve AIm