Act 1? Our empty mind, a ball of clay, in hands of all others, molding us with THEIR beliefs, opinions," say so". Filling our heads with all they know, and who THEY THINK WE ARE. We are told we DON"T KNOW, so we give it up to THEM. Act 2? DEfending who it is we THINK we are. Act 3? Growing up, getting over ourselves, dropping swords & being willing to REcreate "us" anew.
If your reading this, and your pondering , or mulling over what I said? Then, you my friend are a SEEKER. You largely looked and listened to others OUTside you to create you. Somehow, what once was working is not working well or at all. You have grown restless, bored, agitated, discontent. Some part of you INside is trying to get your attention, or is about to. You maybe have been aware inside for a long time, yet in fear of the NEW, you keep that bigger knowing closeted. Regardless, it is getting through to you anyway. Usually in the silence.
Maybe, you want to make some changes, but your afraid of the response or reaction from others? Maybe you are not comfortable with certain feelings or your waking up in the night or tossing and turning but saying to another "go back to sleep, I am FINE".
Inside, your saying what you will. Yet, there is a part of you your fighting. A part of you that has outgrown something or other.
So, if You are finding this, then YOU have been spotted dear one.
No one would know better than me, that maybe despite appearances, and images, and what your saying.. there is a part of you that no longer is content with a certain something or other. Be it an unhealthy habit, mindset, attitude, experience, weight, job, geography, relationship.
You are sensing something inside or outside, that maybe just does not feel right, fit anymore, or make ANY sense whatsoever.
I want you to know this. I wrote this because Like attracts LIke. I too am RIGHT WITH YOU, so I write this to share and to hold space , necessary space. I wrote this because to strip it all down? I FEEL YOU.
For a long time now, I have been on a journey. A journey using power yoga, and all this mind- body mojo & it's practices as solid tools for me to strengthen, deepen, and heal some parts of me , retrieving also some parts of me I once ditched to appease others, or rejected myself when those outside me did.
I have been on a path where I slowly began to understand and explore an Aimee Leona DeRoehn from the inside out. Yoga has been the supportive vehicle to help grow my esteem to look within and with a the bigger perspective to the process of healing ANYTHING. It has moved me back into alignment with a more whole version of the self, WHOLE is surely more gracefully stronger than a self that is scattered, fearful or in pieces.
When we are more intact, it is like being on ALL cylinders, head, heart and body aligned with the present moment in front of us, rather than stuck in yesterday or yesteryear or anxious about the future.
That said? Those processes for me personally over the last several years have taught me a few things I offer you.
When we are more intact and centered in head , heart and body with the NOW?
We have moved closer to our own "inner guru", our own intuitive voice that will always pave and lead the way to the RIGHT LIFE. When we begin to value that inner voice again, and act on its guidance, rather than stuff it down, we begin to lose interest in ALL the excess opinions, suggestions, and direction from others. We begin to figure out our own intuition we have sorta left curbside, because we believed OTHERS knew BETTER for us? We see how ditching it and ignoring it has not always been for our BEST interest.
Instead, going along with , letting others tell us or think for us, can and has steered us into things, places, and people that got us there by someone who was NOT with our BEST in mind, or by someone who was NOT really getting US, or wanting to see us where they wanted us instead.
When we begin to get back to trusting that small voice inside, whether it be on a yoga mat or in life, when we stop second guessing it? We begin to see it working ON OUR BEHALF.
We begin to trust it, and suddenly it teaches us to TRUST OURSELVES MORE. With a sense of trust about the direction we are taking , we DO grab stronger to the wheel of our own life, really being able to rely on that guidance, rather than doubt it, or cast it aside simply means we begin to show up to life, with MORE faith and LESS fear. We set down a need to prove ourselves, or defend something we feel guided from within. We stop asking others for direction on what we should do, if it is okay for us to feel a certain way, if we can have permission to move towards something or someone or someplace new.
Added bonus, When we are more filled up from withIN, we have more to offer others. MUCH MORE.
All this is sure easier being said or reading than it is to do the work to get to this place.
So, If possible, I want to share with you that all that yoga has taught me, was ME being a WORK IN LENGTHY process.
Lengthy because I resisted and fought instead what I have always actually known. Yet, I also want you to know that I am in Act 3 right now. It took awhile for me to get here because I was not ready or hungry enough for THIS deeper, more advanced part of the journey. By the way, no one , NO ONE, can take that journey for us. Nor should they. We would be cheating ourselves, and missing out, on valuable wisdom we would not get otherwise unless we have walked that path, or go inside the self, to return back to that inner voice that will always steer us in the right direction. That will get us to know by way of feeling what is right , what is not for us.
There is timing and stepping stones to our whole life journey. I was mislead. I once ever felt getting to the destination, hearing that final boarding call.. In truth, it is the journey. WE rush the journey, in a big yank to get to the end.
Yet, it is all the parts between the first step and the end that we must pay attention to, celebrating every step will create a sense of joy and curiousity about the process.
It is ALL the growing pains and steps we had to go through to ensure it was indeed OUR journey in its RIGHT timing. For me to get to Act 3, I had to be willing to explore and BE with and then say goodbye with GRACE Act 1 and 2.
I feel as though I am waking UP. I needed to. It was time. It was TIME to wake up, a LONG TIME AGO. To be frank, I felt it THEN. Yet, I preferred to stay asleep, or pretend to sleep, because I was scared to go beyond where and who I was.
Ya see, our ego mind only KNOWS yesterday, and all that went with it. Our minds prefer things to STAY the same, it is what we are comfortable with, what we KNOW.
Yet, nothing changes if nothing changes. if the mind is scared of NEW, then we make sure nothing DOES change.
For a long time, I have been in a space where I, the yoga teacher was AFRAID to GROW. On and off my own mat, in my own teaching, in the roles and versions of Aimee I and others only ever knew UP TO NOW.
I was not just afraid to let go of what I KNEW, who or what my life was. I was REALLY REALLY afraid.
Yet, despite fear, resistance, and reaction, I became aware of something inside me trying to get my attention.
It started as this sort of strong, but gentle nudging. That nudging, that feeling inside freaked me out!!! Initially, I did all the things I only ever did for defense mechanisms. I stayed busy, I ate long after I was not hungry, I went to the kitchen when I had ZERO hunger, I fidgeted, I tossed and turned in my bed in the dark, I stayed awake and kept busy when I needed sleep, I would turn the radio up to drown out the feeling. I avoided yoga or running or hiking in the quiet of the woods, because i did not want to FEEL what I felt. It is in our body that we FEEL things, our heart and our gut. Like it or not, it is truth we can run from for awhile, but if it is really TRUE and NECESSARY for us to listen TO? It does not go away.
I avoided it because I FELT something inside pushing, poking me , prodding me to want to make some... GASP!!! CHANGE!!!! Personally, and in my life. Yet, my ego and life that I only ever was familiar with was MY COMFORT zone. My life and my mindset liked , and for a long time things to REMAIN the SAME. So, I began this sort of tiny, bigger battle within. I will save you the trouble and time. A FEARFUL ego primes itself for a fight it NEVER WILL WIN. TRUTH CAN NOT HIDE.
We can stuff it out or stuff our head, ears, and bodies with ALL WE WANT. IT will find a way through anyway. I knew this even while engaged in a lengthy, tiresome, battle with myself.
NO matter just how much my big head tried to wage or win the war with a far BIGGER WISER heart. God ensures that the truths we NEED to pay attention to, will find its way to the surface. My former teacher, Baron Baptiste has this simple, but stellar saying "Close the energy in one area, it will find its way through another.
Here is the truth. I could try to avoid it WITHIN all I wanted, yet, it started showing up in other places.
I began to witness it coming through the kind, firm voice of others that LOVED me BIGGER to speak the real deal that I , Aimee DeRoehn was attempting to mask, or minimize. To really make sure I heard it what I felt , it also began to show up in my body. Through excess weight, through tightness in my chest, through injury in my left hip and shoulder, through insomnia, or being extremely suddenly wiped out,
Still I fought the better knowing. So, instead my body began to fight, and my own physical health started to fall apart too.
Finally, a very kind, well respected doctor took a loving, firm look at me and said "MAKE SOME CHANGES NOW that will make your spirit THRIVE inside that body of yours or COUNT ON A CANCER, or some other illness.
"I can give you a prescription for such and such or I can RESPECT and CARE for you more as a patient and give you the real deal. Which do you prefer? I was getting to tired and to sick and tired of BEING sick and tired to argue anymore.
"Give it to me, whether I like it or not, Doc."
"Your body is tired, sick, and shutting down because your spirit INside is unhappy, being contained, and all set with things as they are. I have a sense you know this but your avoiding the truth inside.
But my guess is that you are moving towards a depression, which is weakening the immune system , and created more repeated illnesses, and ailments.
The real PAIN in THE ASS here is that you have no real magnetics any longer for MUCH of your life. You are aware of it, repressing it is going to restrict life force, and resisting the truth is not going to make it go away either. Fight it and you won't be just working through a depression. You will struggle yourself right to an early grave. Face it, admit it, and do what you know you need to and LET GO and watch your health improve too! And PLEASE, will you just forgive yourself for things not in your control, things you would not do had you known better, or if you paid more attention to your own inherent GOOD SENSE?? A need to punish yourself is making you hurt all over too. So, while your at it, forgive others too. I am not trying to scare you Kid, I am trying to steer you back to HEALTH from the inside out."
Tough medicine to swallow, but HEALING and humbly GOOD MEDICINE just the same! Put like that? We put down the fight.
Another dear friend, and mentor said " Quit chasing, just sit still, settle down, Get clear , get grounded, and rooted, and then let things come TO YOU."
All were and are RIGHT.
So, I write this with tears. My sicknesses, etc. were more exacerbated by fear of making changes. It was though I had one foot in the old, and one in the new. I knew deep inside the OLD did not fit me anymore or feel right, Yet the new was .. well, NEW. and RISKY, and UNKNOWN , and that was to edgy to cross or move into. With one foot in the old, and one in the new, and the mind afraid to put BOTH feet in the NEW....
Well, you might say I got stuck for awhile. I also put PLENTY of excess efforts on things NOT working AT ALL. After awhile, you begin to see that what takes that MUCH WORK to make it WORK without MUCH improvement or success? is NOT GOING TO, or IT IS NOT MEANT TO.
Yet, the more I denied something? Dug my heels in and worked harder? Kept trying to turn DOWN the inner Dolby surround sound? The louder it got. Only "louder" was not in the way Webster's defines it.
Ya see, it was not shouting. It was NOT fighting with me. It got stronger, and yet quieter.
By the way, that is HOW you know the difference. The ego gets scared of what is being sensed inside, and so it gets louder. The heart of us (soul) however, knows there is no power or real strength at all in raising the voice and REacting.
It instead shows its power by getting stronger, with MORE Grace, by getting more LOVING while still speaking very simply. By teaching us, LESS IS MORE.
Yet, I am a late bloomer on transforming in the right timing. Maybe because I do not wear a watch, and wish instead to cling to what I have only ever known.
Yet, no matter how much I tried to stuff it down, deny it, stay busy to avoid FEELING it, keep trying to command it so nothing would change. It kept finding me, in the stillness, while I cleaned house, went on drives alone by myself, away from the noisiness of others. It also really found me when hiking in the woods, in the quiet of nature, in the early morning before the world's decibel could drown it out, being busy could get moving and take me with it.
I would FEEL it, this inner voice, this inner knowing that was trying to speak simply to my head to say "Admit it, you have changed, so THIS is no longer right for you. or "Admit it, you want MORE but you think you must keep settling for LESS. or bigger, "Admit it, YOUR NOT HAPPY anymore, and if your honest, you have NOT been TRULY happy for a long time. Everything looks right on the outside, but INside you know the bigger truth and the better truth. Admit it, your afraid to tell others how you feel for fear you will hurt them, upset them or worse PISS EM OFF."
Try as I may to fight it or argue myself or argue another. I had outgrown some things about myself , and my life that only mirrored a "former" Aimee, could say anything to anyone outside me. I could even look at myself in the mirror and try to convince myself what I FELT was NOT RIGHT.
In essence and in truth? What I felt was scary. Especially to my own ego that was scared to change. Scared to be that bold with myself. Yet, my inner voice did not deserve to be shut off, or shut down. NO matter what I attempted to present, or pretend to myself or others?
IT knew the truth, I was not happy, I had also stayed in things LONG completed inside, I was entirely FILLED to the brim of my bucket on certain parts of my life. I was COMPLETE and ALL DONE with things I actually always THOUGHT I would NEVER outgrow or want or NEED to EVER part with. Raw truth? I was sick of certain parts of myself I once would rather cling to, or defend, or rationalize or justify.
And yet? Still, I was fighting this bigger voice, because it simply represented a ME that I was only ever afraid to step into, yet somewhere along the way, that Aimee kept evolving and growing herself anyway. She was wanting to take her seat. For me to exceed a need for a smaller self steering me through a smaller, lackluster life, she would HAVE to be ALLOWED to take her seat.
Do you ever notice right about the time some part of us knows it is about to let GO?
There is a sense of anxiety, maybe total panic, a strong reaction where we try to argue with what we felt? In all this, we definitely cling tighter?? WE grip, defend, hold on with all our might? Perhaps, Get angrier with our feelings. Try to stuff them down deeper. Argue with someone else's sharper vision to spot this?
Do you ever notice that denying things does not make them go away? Shoving them aside, or stuffing them down begins to feel like a big beach ball we held under water a long time, only to have it POP RIGHT BACK UP?
WHAT WE RESIST if it is TRUE does not go away, it PERSISTS.
Once we get exhausted enough? We see that our energy is DRAINED by the false pretenses, pretending, posing. Our ego mind, that never will win that bigger battle? It finally begins to stop battling the heart. We begin to understand that we have an inner compass for a reason. It is meant to be respected and valued by LISTENING to it, and taking ACTION so that we KNOW if we KNOW what we THINK we know!
It is our intuition, a knowing we were all born with, yet in listening to others, or being told we did not know better? We looked to tune into the voice of others instead.
In being more in tune to that, and not with ourselves, maybe we turned it down or turned it off. Perhaps, we never took that knowing seriously to begin with so it never got a real shot at developing. Maybe we filled up our bodies with excess food, processed food, sugar, cigarettes, caffeine, drugs , alcohol.. ALL are things that DEPRESS and DULL our vitality, and our own FEELING. All things to make or keep things fuzzy, or cloudy, to keep our own SENSATIONAL inner sensation from sharper High Def!
Yet, why? What are we doing? By WE, I mean ME as well as anyone else.
The truth is this. It is that feeling that will ALWAYS be like a best friend, really looking out FOR us, keep us safe when needed. It is also practical. If our mind is more quiet, and less cluttered up with anxiety, fear, or excess chatter? It will be able to help us to REmember what we need to REMEMBER. Whether it be to pick up milk and toilet paper at the grocery store, or take this exit, or to call so and so before the day is over.
Most of all, it has no interest in steering us to anything but THE RIGHT PLACES and PEOPLE, and OPPORTUNITIES.
When we finally stop arguing this,we begin to understand the soul of us has the RIGHT information our own logic could benefit by listening to. Later, we look back and we say things like "I KNEW IT."
Our intuition stays on our ass on purpose! Later, we always look back and say I should have done this ages ago, I just felt like I should a long time. Or, I felt this before. Man, "Had I only listened before,I "just knew", I just had this "sense" this strong hunch, this "feeling". etc.
All we are referring to was the voice inside. Now have you ever noticed that as you are getting ready to embrace the direction or path you feel you should take?
Then, there appears to be others, who without our saying a word, intuitively get a "sense" there is something happening, there is a part of us changing, fading out or separating. They get scared. Out of that fear, comes a bigger need to cling, REact, or criticize an us that is moving towards making that very shift. Perhaps, they boldly try to put their foot down, or block or condemn who or what path we want to go towards. "Chaos always comes BEFORE a shift", the chaos is from the ones who FIGHT THE SHIFT. There seems to be more turbulence if one is not ready to go in the same direction, but does not want you to leave THEM either.
Sometimes, the hard thing and the right thing are the very same. If we or others can not love us BIGGER to set us free, well, um.. then it gets edgy.
You know you are REALLY all complete on something, if we can find the courage to speak our truth about changes withOUT a need to DEFEND or engage in REaction with others.
When we get done fighting ourselves, we lose the need to pick the sword back up to fight with others. Save your energy, and move towards compassion instead. After all, when you have done the exploration within to talk your self off your own ledge. You know your off the ledge when you can let go with LOVE and GRATITUDE.
That will work with ANYTHING we decide to part with. It lessens the need for added resistance pain , backlash, punishment and drama. The ego fighting change will only look for more SUFFERING about it. PAY NO MIND. :) See that all that is REALLY happening is that we (we, meaning YOU AND ME) have OUTgrown a version of US that once NEEDED all the things, people, and smaller mindset that fit GRRRREAT with who we were A TIME BEFORE. Yet, we are ALL evolving, and we are ALL susposed to. We once NEEDED to be crawling before walking, show up for 2nd grade BEFORE it was TIME to graduate to the 3rd grade. There was once a time we NEEDED training wheels, before we took off on a mtn. bike, or maybe to please someone else, we once needed to stay with the career that others thought we should want to choose, but after enough time being miserable, or calling in sick, we get it that is NOT our thing. There was timing to all of it. There was a natural process to all of it also. If we can get back to being in awe of what is natural, we see there is a natural timing to things. Nothing NATURALLY shows up before its "time". Look at nature and we see that.
I share this with you. There are parts of my personality, parts of my life that mirrored that smaller, scared sense of self that honestly, no longer "gell" or reflect who I am moving towards TODAY. Yet, I could not fight that anymore, or the fight came to a HALT, because at one time, that version of me, and that life once ONLY ever fit the bill for a more timid, smaller, Aimee who wanted and NEEDED to stay comfortable, stay safe, and cozy up to a certain sense of self. Definitely a self that only had a need to never go to far beyond my comfort zone.
Also, largely much of a version of me that was largely created by others who really were NOT in tune to me. Or being said by a very harsh ego.
Lately, in my attempts to sit still MORE, I can hear better that inner guidance. It is finding me at a time in my life where I have decided that my bucket is full. TO FULL.. It is time to clear the decks, dump the bucket, KICK the bucket entirely on a me that is NOT really me.
It has been vulnerable, edgy, and scary to say the least.
Yet, also a relief. Most of my life was all built on sand. Much of this once fit, and now tugs and pinches and hurts to stay suited up instead.
Act 3 , being humble enough to share and speak to this, and be empty myself completely.
So, I can be filled back up with something far BETTER instead.
I am grateful for ALL the characters, experiences etc that showed up to show me who I am TRULY NOT.
I love all of it, and say goodbye to it, to an Aimee who THOUGHT it TRUE with grace.
I support YOUR PATH and who are you NOW becoming as well..
WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
xxxooo
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