THE PERFECT MAN.. tossed in trash...

Man, it has been a bit of time since I wrote to you and shared anything REAL..


Well, to be honest, I have this way of sorta going back IN my shell after I put some REAL AIMEE out there.. I have had a long time habit of hearing no one wanted that, and some part of my thinking mind has held on TO THAT as a permanent real estate..



Nevertheless, several facebook friends, and students and strangers around the US are coming OUT of THEIR shell and pulling ME out of mine, by saying thanks for sharing some of the wisdom I have spent years closeting.



I finally am begining to understand hearing from them , and in addition , hearing so many get in my face and beg for me to write a book is a GOD that is using others to push ME further onto my path.



So, here you go.. I am offering you a bit of a window into DeRoehn's world, through a book I am writing and through my wall posts, and now a more consistent blog. The truth is I am a writer.. and I spent a large part of my EARLY childhood years with a nose in a book to escape my own life I felt overwhelmed by. I also spent years of elementary school being prompted by teachers to write compositions that he or she wanted me to share with the classs.

I guess the older I get I am getting back to the child like heart of me, and it is looking inside that that simply gets me to FEEL guided to do what I simply loved most.



I LOVE MY YOGAH! IT SAVED and TRANSFORMED and TRANSFORMS my life. Some of those higher minded insights come ripping through in my practice. Mostly, these days that wisdom is showing up OFF THE MAT.


Case in point.. Just so you know our yogis wisdom is not ONLY going to ever find us in a yoga practice or even in a meditation.. SOMETIMES, LOTS OF TIMES, it comes LATER...



Yoga is simply the way to OPENING THE DOOR to a higher insights, and bigger perspective that arrives in our plain old daily life.



Like I said, case in point.. A short while ago, that PERFECT deeper wisdom showed up while I was writing to a friend I feel I can trust to share some of the deeper stuff of me.

and then, that transformed into even MORE wisdom, NOT being in a cave in a crosslegged position but WHILE CLEANING OUT MY FRIG...



What did you think God shows up only in a church, or in some sacred place? Do you thinK God only shows up when we are LIVING our SUNDAY BEST? I once did.

So, I say to you NOW, dropping MOST of all I knew before, ALL places are sacred.. So, I am learning BIG time anyway.



The PERFECT MAN.... is or WAS up until a few mins ago, a BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE someone handed to me a few Valentines days ago, after a beloved friend and also former ex boyfriend of mine has just passed.

This friend who passed was a man who tried to be my boyfriend but my esteem was low on the total pole.. and I had other people who claimed to love me tell me he was kinda TO GOOD For me.

It is not their fault, for saying that, in truth, deep down, that was HOW I KINDA SORTA ALREADY FELT. I held onto this belief that I was dirt, that I was a mess, that I was NOT worthy of him. I was also a single parent with a small child on welfare.. SOMEONE of HIS STATURE was NOt going to be able to accept that.

HE saw that I felt that way, but he did not buy into my beliefs. In fact, he was hell bent on steering me the OPPOSITE direction.



My conditioned upbringing formed this lack mindset and my mind consumed with holding onto that identity could NOT get cozy with the idea of this NICE guy wanting to hang with me.

So, I did what any WELL SKILLED sabotager does best.. PUSH HIM AWAY before he COULD TO ME.



He was hurt, and yet somehow, (foolishly, said me STILL HOPEFUL..)


The story is not rocket science. One who chooses to hold on to an idea that there is something BAD about them quickly LANDS instead someone who will validate that.



Seven years and another child being born to me later, I finally left that trainwreck with my kids in tow, a tiny wad of cash, a black eye and little else.


Upon hearing the news DeRoehn was solo again, he somehow found me and tried yet AGAIN.



Coming out of a living hell that FURTHER deepened my lack of esteem and self love, and having two children in tow. My idea of him wanting me was almost repulsive. and NO GOOD UNION could come of it.



He passed away a few years ago, and we never got to clear this up.



Meanwhile, for a well dressed as his wardrobe was, and his image so polished too. He was not afraid of my pain for he had his own. His brother/ also his own personal AMERICAN IDOL committed suicide a few years prior to my meeting him. It was a loss that pulverized him and shut him down. He and his friends would constantly tell me he was BETTER when he was with me, he was not so depressed etc.... He showed up in the world happier again, despite his own personal heartbreak. I know now that he could see what I felt , but he saw something IN ME BEYOND and ABOVE the roots of my story. He was also one of the only people who was NOT Uncomfortable with my pain, as he was quite chummy he had his own. The story behind that hurt was different, but we knew what it felt like to be hurt by love and loss in our family ties.



While we were not coming together, he was there up against his own personal living hell. He chose to numb himself with drinking etc. holing himself away from others.



I was SO ROCKED by his death, and all this UNfinished business we had always left on the emotional burner that I went further into counseling.



I shared all of the story, and this I will never forget. My beloved counselor, Dr. Rebecca Lovejoy, said something to me NO ONE ELSE was.. NOR was my OWN ego entertaining the idea of...



When I was hearing prior, that he was TO good for me, NOT to screw it up being ME, etc.. I did JUST that.. grew fearful he would change his GOOD sense and so I derailed anything good just as it got started. When HE felt rejected, HE turned away from love and went further into a bottle and bottomless pit of self LOVELESSNESS. Those who held that same opinion about ME, also felt that when we began drinking and etc, that I should STAY AwAY from HIM.



Dr. Lovejoy said "It is to bad that you could not drop that viewpoint of others telling you that. In truth, you two were probably meant to find each other to HEAL TOGETHER." You two could be REAL with each other which so few couples allow the other to be,and in ACCEPTING that part of each other's shadow (wounds and pain) and not being afraid of it or Uncomfortable by it , you then would be leading each other ALSO back to loving yourselves."

It is stuff said just that simply and that kindly that I wonder WHERE oh where was THAT kind of therapist all my life? ;)

In truth, that sorta thing got me realizing to late SHE was RIGHT. Not everyone who tells us something is RIGHT, and NOT ANYONE who tells us anything to keep us feeling bad is INVESTED in our BEST.



I want you to know from me, in being ONLY hugely INVESTED IN being on a team for YOU that leads you back to YOUR BEST.



The perfect man? Is this chocolate guy in heart boxers that has sat in my freezer. I have spent just as many years staying SOLID FROZEN on this "perfect person" I was told to look for. Yet, I also have spent THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME TRYING TO PERFECT me FOR THAT PERFECT PERSON.

It is all BULLSHIT kids!!!!


My kids have been asking me for a few years now, every time they open the freezer for a Veggie Burger or Edy's Slow Churned WHY the heck I still have this PERFECT MAN thing.



I guess I could not part with it because MY EGO could not.



A short while ago, I came across this freezer burned dude and decided that maybe the perfect man should not be STUCK in the DEEP FREEZER but thawed in the refrig instead.



Tonight, in clearing out my frig, there he was ... and I knew it was time to TOSS HIM and my conditioned WELL intentioned thoughts planted by others THIS EXISTS.



HEre is what I know ..WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT FOR ME was the VERY THING I KEPT PUSHING AWAY...

He was someone who did not care about my trauma history, hence a belief i was broken or damaged goods, HE did not give one shit about my having a child and being a single mother. He was blown away of my burning desire to get off welfare and become more and go back to school while raising a baby alone, and caring for a quadrapalegic man in exchange for room and board. HE saw what I saw, what others told me I was, he just SAW MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

MUCH MORE IN ME THAN I SAW IN ME.



I realized now that punishing him and putting an energetic fuck you on him that should have been directed to the ones that hurt me was NOT anything but my ego running the show.

Which was the very thing to create a good show of REAL LIFE ROMANCE to quickly go OFF the air.



What would have been perfect for me? was to SEEN and FELT and BELIEVED that after all that shit, this guy was GOD SENT to show me the way back to the best of me. A man who saw all the dark and never lost sight of my LIGHT. A man who could EMBRACE both ...



PLEASE, do yourself a favor, ACCEPT the LOVING and the DARKER wounded parts of you.. THROW OUT your idea of a PERFECT MAN or A PERFECT WOMAN...

YOu will much more likely have a chance at finding someone YOU CAN BE YOUR REAL SELF AROUND, because that whole PERFECT thing is simply an egotistical TIGHTROPE NONE of US in humanity can EVER walk for to long.



We also will always be in FIGHT OR FLIGHT.. just as I WAS... I was always fighting this, and RUNNING FROM IT all in the same day or evening.



We have this idea of this story book romance, this HAPPILY ever after.. But in truth, this boy was someone OUT OF EVERYONE ELSE I knew or spent time with I ONLY HAD TO EVER BE MYSELF with.



It was a double edged sword.. I CRAVED it and was nauseated by that version of me, and his opinion of that all at once..


THE PERFECT UNION? is what I have found through this life transforming heartbreaking lesson and what YOGAH has taught me.



That someone , something who says SHOW UP AS YOU ARE and yet, who does not hold you hostage to that at the same time is someone we can let our guard down with, let our emotional hair down..

When we are LOVED LIKE THAT, that IS when it gets or can LOOK MESSY...

That is when we REALLY show ALL the PARTS of us , test it even to find out just how SOLID this LOVE THING is...



We can never know what can bring people together. I learned that God uses the FLIMSIEST romantic resume, and will USE the DARK just as much as the LIGHT to bring two people together...

Yesterday would have been that ex's 38th birthday. Yes, it is hard knocks to a better inner landscape of better esteem. I can see finally what the HELL HE WAS THINKING about me all those years ago,

This is also where I can share with you what I LOVE so much about yoga.. Yoga means YOKE.. BRING TOGETHER THE MIND AND THE BODY... Yoga meets you always where you are, and considers THAT THE PERFECT PLACE.. that where we are IS PERFECT to bring to a yoga mat.. YOGA was doing what My friend was. holding space for me TO BE REALLY JUST REAL WITH WHERE IT WAS AT... Yoga does not need us to be flexible, or strong or ALREADY BEFORE IT WILL LET US IN THE DOOR.

YOGAH says ALWAYS WHO YOU ARE , WHAT YOU FEEL , WORKS FOR ME.

and when the mind can wrap its head around that, it fights THE BODY LESS AND LESS...

Yoga brings us back to RECONNECTING the mind and body. YOGA RECONNECTS the HEART and SOUL of us to GENTLY lovingly speak to our STIFF HARD HEAD.

JUst as my friend tried gently , but firmly for me for as best he could.

Yoga loves the IMperfections of us, teaches us to EMBRACE THE LIGHT and THE DARK to show us NEITHER side of us is to be feared BOTH to be embraced.

Until we get to that space of acceptance for BOTH withIN, we will never let anyone else IN.. WE will NEVER be comfortable to be straight up, we will constantly feel a NEED to perfect and fix ourselves.

When really we could all just do it the way my yoga and my boy taught me, JUST FOCUS MORE on the LOVE. focus MORE on the GOOD STUFF.. and LOVE ANYWAY the parts that our head insists SHOULD NOT BE SHOWN..

My friend knew what I did not .. THOSE parts were just actually begging to be loved, not battled or resisted anymore...

When the honeymoon ends, is when it gets TESTY.. indeed, when we shack up with someone , we ALSO unpack our best and lesser parts along WITH the eyesore pieces of furniture, or the ratty tshirt we lOVE , no one else does.

I know now that it is absolutely OUR RARE privelege when someone feels they can take off the mask, the image, and show us something other than the profile they LIKE most. They can relax around us THAT much to be FULLY themselves. THAT IS WHERE our ego will try to turn us OFF, but once we can finally let ourselves off the hook of being perfect or sexy or glamourous 24 -7 can we offer that to another. WE fear that you know?

In truth, that is WHERE we are gonna find the most AUTHENTIC mate. Someone and anyone you can be THAT much YOU with is PRETTY DAMN PERFECT TO ME...ADDED bonus is a person that holds on to YOU NOT STAYING JUST ANY CERTAIN WAY and gives you that greenlight to GROW beyond your known version.


If you have this, then I believe you got something GOD SENT and you should simply get creative on looking for ways to GROW bigger the ways you can show your gratitude for them.. NEVER fall asleep to the gratitude , there is MUCH to be said about being able with someone who loves to see you dress UP, but EQUALLY loves the you that can DRESS DOWN and HANG on the couch in your favorite ratty yoga pants, or holey college tshirt and flannel pj bottoms and watch a blockbuster movie while DOING nothing BUT BEING you.



The person who can see there are days YOU don't even wanna go near yourself, but THEY can say COME HERE and hold you tight. The person who sees you OUTSIDE your status,who does not need you to be a perfect weight, or be your best every second, the person who can hold your hair back when your sick as a dog, and cuts you the slack needed when you have FORGOTTEN to do the thing YOU said you were gonna YET AGAIN.



At the same time, I have also seen couples who have long outgrown the other but felt compelled to stay true to a so called "PERFECT COUPLE" image others speak of. I have been the girl who stayed in things NOT for my BEST because I felt I had to STICK IT OUT, or I would be at fault for giving my kids a broken home. In truth, if there are two adults in a home PLAYING house to keep the kids feeling happy. It never flies for to long, and kids are still so close to their own senses about things DESPITE a pretty picture so they FEEL the lack of love no matter what anything might PERFECTLY LOOK LIKE.



What I have learned is this, when we hold on to such a farce, we gotta work doubletime to make it look like what it is NOT, and then we teach that to those impressionable young minds.

When I thought I was doing someone ELSE a favor by staying with them, when I was NOT feeling them anymore. I held up not only MY OWN LINE, but THEIRS too!!!!



This is really the only wisdom I can offer you.. HONESTLY, just being me having the sack to come out of hiding and SHARE MY TRUTH, whether it hurts or not.
The truth is , yoga helps us find more breathing room with the relationship with ourself. THAT is THE SOURCE for all relationships outside us. As that one gets better and better, we might start feeling that we have outgrown others. IN TRUTH? The only person we REALLY outgrew is the version of US that attracted that person to us.
Anways, like I said, the beginnings of this story did not end happily. Yet, maybe just maybe if something I said gives you pause to think and my wisdom from my deflated luggge helps you IN YOUR LIFE LUGGAGE?
Well, then that is part of my understanding that OUT OF WHAT APPEARS BROKEN comes something BEAUTIFUL.. and maybe we all come together to lay our ego down enough to say IN MY HOT MESS COMES MY WISDOM and then someone else does not have to go as far down as I had to arrive at this.
Yet, if you feel you need to, by all means, how will you know FOR YOURSELF OTHERwise?


Giving UP the whole perfect ANYTHING, and holding more space for UNconditional SELF acceptance is something we then extend to ANOTHER MAN, WOMAN, or CHILD and how ACTIONS of living that way, offer something other than preaching it. THOSE actions WILL ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
Maybe, at this stage of my life, and my yoga practice as well, IS the best of wisdom I could offer.

BEING REAL, BEING yourself. FINDING OTHERS WHO WANT THAT VERSION OF YOU, I am not sure anymore that there is ANYTHING MORE enlightening or MORE possibly perfect than that.



Keep it REAL kids, it is less exhausting.

Thanks for the time spent.