Thank you so much to all of you for enjoying THE PERFECT MAN...
Today, I got to teach.. although, gotta say I AM THE ONE to get more from the students, although they insist it is all about thanking me.
I am so glad that yoga has humbled me enough to constantly keep me a VULNERABLE student, open to learn from MY STUDENTS...
Learn yoga FROM MY OWN body speaking to me on my mat, outside of what I can read in fine print about yogah!
This I gotta share, in hopes that you really begin to UNDERSTAND full on, I DO NOT GIVE ONE FLYING LOTUS POSE.. ;) if you DO yoga practice or not.. In fact, I love the skeptics, the ones clueless to what yoga's benefits are.. I remember MY OWN SKEPTICAL, NOT INTERESTED thank you very much days too..
So, I can't judge a skeptic or someone who puts their hand up saying NO thanks.. IF I go back to judging that person for NOT Being a yogi, then I am back to judging ME... When we REmember just how much WE resisted something, but then learn that ultimately what we are fighting so much could damn be sure be HEAVEN ON EARTH. I beleive somehow my ego knew that ahead of the game which is why I spent more time with my Nike's on so I could keep my closed mind and BE OUT.
Eventually, SOMETHING brings us to our knees, and we find ourselves willing to be open to the possibility of things we NEVER would THINK to say yes too.
They say YOGA findS US, we DO NOT find yoga..
Today, the deeper understanding showed up for me ..
After class, two people spoke to me. Both inwardly conflicted for different reasons.. Being that yoga has brought ME to my mat to finally, after MUCH FIGHT and FLIGHT to just drop my sword, leave the sneakers at the door I always kept close for a faster getaway, and realize there was NO real GETTING AROUND IT. My only chance at something beyond survival or something BEYOND pain was in giving up my defense, and just courageously move towards WHAT THE HELL was TRULY bothering me.
I am grateful for yoga to teach me this, cause I was taught to NOT go near anything that hurt, or upset me. I learned instead to look AWAY from anything, numb it with a variety of meds, food, especially sweets, at one time cigaretttes, etc.. or numb it by NOT feeling it, and repressing it instead. I looked for every way OUT away from it, but it always deeply haunting the recesses of my mind and tightening my heart, and my own physical body felt stiff as a board. I also learned to really BRIGHTEN MY SMILE so as to assure everyone how FINE i was..
Yoga was on to EVERY BIT OF MY EGO, but only to shine a light towards a better way. WE fight what we don't know, and we cling tighter to what we have known simply cause it is a habit, learned by people bigger than us that taught us THEY knew better, and it can be edgy to step away from some of the rules of our family tribe... it is also edgy to move into something different, because THIS OR THAT IS all we know, and a mind afraid to give that up, is fearful to give up some pieces of knowing that have simply FORMED our identity.
Who wants to tamper with that?
Yoga.....
Yoga giving that tool of gently surrendering showed me that I have to go IN to really come OUT the other side, where I have truly FELT myself do the work to get to the OTHER SIDE. That other side, has brought me to sit with and side with another with such a wholehearted sincere empathy, where I can be present in my heart , where tears in truly listening show up too.
We can't take anyone where we have not been OURselves. I have been to about every dark ditch there is. I have FELT my own pitch blackness, my own gut and chest knotted up tight, I have felt my own feeling of numbing. I have remembered all the provisions I brought in to help me manage feelings I felt intimidated and overwhelmed to feel. I have not forgotten what it is like to feel so bothered by something, and felt that it was so NOT OKAY to come near anyone else and talk about it for fear they might be burdened, bothered, angry, etc.
Yoga and I say "BRING IT" and together we will go where we were anxious to go alone.
I found that portal for SELF EMPATHY and COMPASSION and bringing to light the shadowy stuff BECOMES available for LIGHT and for LOVE.
It grew my heart bigger than it already was. It is easy to be kinder and gentler to another having a hard time, than it can be to be that nice to OURself. Yet, anyone who allows themselves that nurturing can TRULY hold a nurturing, nourishing, trusted place and bigger space for all the REAL stuff to come OUT of hiding.
Yoga has taught me something I NEVER trusted until MOST recently. That the real truth is, there is TRULY little to fix. We only try to play God so to speak because we feel it IS ONLY UP TO US.. and in doing that, we RESIST bigger help from a power that is far bigger than you or me...
"I who hold large galaxies together CAN handle the small details of your life"
Yoga has taught me that everything IS capable of its own healing, and has its OWN timing for doing so. We simply have to let our ego take off the Timex and get back to things NATURALLY coming together, coming undone where needed and taking care of THEMSELVES.
Things will naturally take care of themselves. Relief huh? We can take our hands OFF the wheel of doing it all , and just LET THINGS BE for bigger, better more rooted healing done RIGHT instead.
So, in light of the phrase, when we learn something from our own understanding , we THEN teach it to others. When we heal US, we then have a tangible heartfelt seat to support another's healing.
One sweet woman came up to me and she shared with me how my classes were a huge support in her life while she was trying to find a job. SHe had lost her job, and she had been applying every place for the last few months, with every NO, it was rocking her confidence more and more. Yoga classes were a way for her to get some space FROM self doubt, defeat, and exhaustion from being rejected one to many times. Hey, there is ONLY so much ANY of us can take you know?
Meanwhile, while NOT being employed, it brought her further back to one of her deepest loves, Tai Chi, practicing and taking a retreat here and there.
Tai Chi coming back to her stronger was sorta shifting her mind about wanting to go back to HER FORMER career FOR work...
Then, the other day, she hit a breakthrough, not in a job so to speak, but in an opportunity to receive accreditation for Tai Chi, with a famous teacher.
She was excited about all this, but a part of her ego would NOT let her REALLY be THAT elated. after all this is not being productive in society, without a REAL job, and a paycheck..
Yet, somehow without the money to pay up front out of pocket for her training, she somehow was DIVINELY blessed with a scholarship, and then a friend came forth to offer to pay for her airfare.
Hmmm.. Go figure...
YOu see what I am getting at here kids? Suddenly, I KNEW.. and I KNEW also that in figuring HER so called "problem" out, it helped me to also better KNOW MINE..
I said Your ego is MISinforming you.. You were NOT susposed to have a "J O B" right now. Your real LOVE is Tai Chi, yet your SETTLING for something your heart does not REALLY get jumpstarted by, because you bought into this idea that someone else told you should be doing for a paycheck."
" For a time, that was okay , with you, cause YOU were NOT awake and in tune to your own DEEPER INNER KNOWING of what Y O U would really love to do for a "job". Yet, what she was getting out of yoga is FAR beyond exercise, or getting space from the classified ads and pumping out another useless resume.
I teach people what yoga taught me, and brought ME back to. INTUITION..
We all had it walking into our lives, intuition is the SIMPLE and VITAL way our body talks shop to us about what we REALLY feel in our heart and our gut. In listening to that, we are navigated by our soul's voice to OUR VERY BEST, to the RIGHT people, to the RIGHT opportunities, to the LIFE WE WILL BEST LOVE and FEEL GOOD living.
It also helps us to suddenly KNOW what we need to for practical information too.
This is why I teach yoga, it brings the heaven TO EARTH from the unique soul instruction for every one of us..
We begin to lose that inner voice, when we are young, when we are told to listen to those outside us, who KNOW better. Surely, as kids, we NEED that instruction.. but I believe that what is helping MY OWN children better is this yoga teaching thing they are getting from me through osmosis. They come to me with their stuff, asking THE SMART YOGA LADY what the hell they ought to do to figure out their adolescent luggage and challenges, and my first sentence these days is "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
Any kid around your company, please consider they DO have their own intelligence that will float up from the bottom of their own heart or tummy, and they instinctively DO know best. When we share that bigger wisdom before we think to throw in all our big bad comments like "Cause I said so, cause I know what is best for you" .. we teach them TO TRUST THEMSELVES.
And if they act on the wisdom of their own soul, which IS our best friend, looking and wanting THE BEST for us, we teach them to go by what feels RIGHT , while supporting them, we teach them to have an INNER confidence, and in trusting that INNER sense, means they ask others LESS what to do, and that sense of inner trust acted upon, teaches them, teaches us all AGAIN, that we REALLY DO KNOW what to do, if we would act on what we FEEL guided to do. and then we start having a real PLAYBOOK for HOW to live OUR lives best.
This woman, in getting in more downdogs has been doing deep inner work to get BACK to listening to what the soul inside her body wanted , TO GO BACK TO TAI CHI...
NOW in honoring that wisdom, she is finding that even without the FUNDS the opportunity shows UP to make it happen, with NONE her doing anything but being willing to receive for a change.
NONE of this would have gone down the way it is unfolding if she had been putting in 65 hours into a job. There would be no space. Nor would she have the energy to do the deeper asking, seh would be wiped out from putting in so many hours at a work place doing work she is NOT fullfilled by. Anything we show up for hours at a time, or years at a time, we are not really TRULY feeling? Is not ever going to have us wanting to contribute a whole hell of a lot, nor are we doing anyone else any favors being there, yes?
This woman is NOT meant to be working so she could have the empty space to FIND HER LIFE's WORK. What makes her feel most alive is Tai Chi, and yoga and I were only interested truly in her getting back to what would make her feel MOST alive..
AnyONE who does work they are PSYCHED about, floods and injects HAPPY into others who come to them for such a service. Also, we will NEVER really have to worry about having enough to eat, cause when your doing your heart' work, your providing a service FOR SPIRIT to UPLIFT others, the reward BACK for that, is abundance.
Period! The end.
I saw this same woman walk in heavy hearted, and heavy footed, each step to go forward a constant unhappy work in progress, just a mere three months ago, TODAY? I saw more SHINE in her eyes, and more pep in her step, and more softening and open, relaxed friendliness than I had prior.
To me, she DESERVED to feel that too, feel MORE about her own good news.
I said "YOUR BEING UNemployed is not to feel down about, but to SEE this was why you have been. You could not find what makes your HEART IGNITE otherwise. This is NOTHING to feel BADLY for, but to get back on your same knees and THANK GOD. LOVE that you got canned simply because you got LIBERATED to get to the work you were BORN to do, to find my classes is just an added bonus, and ultimately if I teach you that, THEN I am giving you what YOU were susposed to get in my classes!"
I realized in saying this to her, that my own higher wisdom was leading ME back to mine. I too am teaching less and less, not because of my want, but because personal family circumstances sorta have me tied more to being close to home, than traveling round the world.
Yet, in releasing my frustration and fear of why things were NOT coming together as my own EGO felt they should. I realized I TOO AM RIGHT WHERE I AM SUSPOSED TO BE.
If my life did NOT come undone the way It did recently, then I would not be here, not be home, or AWAKE in my own body to sense what ELSE I should personally be doing in this so called "waste of time" If, I was not here, I would not be also figuring out in the more quiet, still moments of my own life, that this was NOT a time to waste with feeling less productivity meant LESS worth of me. Less teaching created a REAL AMAZING CLASS! and there is NO TIME NEEDED to waste on feeling I WAS WASTING TIME.
Instead, I was brought to my knees, things fell apart for me, as they did a few years back for me to find this whole YOGAH SHIT in the first place! Apparently, god has forced me to surrender again, and when I surrendered MY ego from thinking NOTHING WAS WORKING, I could see the BIGGER plan above what it LOOKED LIKE.
So, go figure, aside from my love of teaching yoga, I am also meant to be writing, blogging, begining to move towards motivational speaking, and also offering the Cart-ah motivational yoga vids. If I was working so much and all over the place around New England, then I would not be home to write my book, to write my own teacher training, so as to offer MY OWN teacher training at the request of many over the years, I would not have TIME to offer my other soul loves, Reiki, life coaching, intuitive counseling. I myself would not have made the REconnections I HAD to make and had to have integral SPACE to make with my childhood friend who inspired me TO create the Cart-ah! Administration videos. I would not have gone back to teaching at the amazing Laconia Athletic Club, or make the new connections at Fitness Edge, to say NOTHING about all of YOU!!!!!
I would not be as FULLY available to get back to my own best true yoga teaching and training, my own daily yoga practice. I would not be taking care of myself at this deep a level to offer ONLY that to everyone in ways words and preaching can NOt truly hit home about.
Finally, but most importantly, I am HERE BLESSED beyond TEARFUL GRATITUDE to REALLY be HOME more and BE MORE present with my own two teens rapidly finishing out their childhood before my very eyes and really being PRESENT and PLUGGED in as a one woman yoga mom that had always escaped me being so jam packed and a master multi tasker! To be frank, my daughter has been struggling to heal something HUGE and heartbreaking for her young adolescent heart to bear,and I know that all to soon these moments to sit with her while she EMpowers herself to make her own way THROUGH will be gone. She will be gone off to college before I know it. Yet, right now, she needs her mommy, and I know that yoga, having been around 5000 plus years will not be going away anytime soon. MY yoga is ALL THIS, and being able to really be fully here in my heart for my daughter to move towards healing. I would be missing the point of my yoga if I was not able to sense that.
In speaking this to these woman, I saw that they suddenly saw THE LIGHT and could understand what was REALLY going ON bigger than what our small mindedness could ever talk to us about.
She knew suddenly she was EXACTLY where she should be, and somehow , she was still getting her meals even without the money. She was taken care of.
THERE WAS AWESOME METHOD to what FELT like madness! There ALWAYS was a greater plan in place...Her true benefits of today's yoga practice showed UP right then and there. She was indeed liberated when she lost her job, and in thinking BIGGER about it, her ego scolding her for not having a job by now was set free too.
After her, another woman approached me full of fret, embarrassment, and apology for NOT being in my classes.
Yoga found HER when she was given the news of cancer.
How could that be she wondered? She was always focusing on being healthy.
Yet, in the worst of her life, she found the best of it. She was remorseful that she had not been hitting the mat with us recently, wringing her hands of the guilt she felt in talking truthfully as to what was making her skip out on us, so assured I would be upset or feel let down.
Her husband found himself wanting to stay home rather than his usual rushing off to work on Sundays, to offer to make them both breakfast. NOT just plunking cornflakes in a bowl, but really going ALL OUT. The buckwheat pancakes, the fruit salad, fresh ground and brewed coffee to sit and sip slowly while holding hands and talking and laughing as they had not had the chance to in years. REALLY MAKING THE BEST OF HER TIME, rather than thinking it would always be there at another time.
Her already great relationship was good to start , but this apparent so called curse of a cancer to rob her of everything, BROUGHT THEM RIGHT BACK TO GIVING UP anything NOT vital and just get back to THE BEST OF THEM instead.
Somehow, hmm.. go figure , this yoga and this LOVE is giving her cancer a way OUT of her body.
So, I told her that she WAS in yoga class on Sundays!! Yoga and for that matter , cancer was meant to make her SLOW down and see that true MENTAL, EMOTIONAL , and PHYSICAL health is ONLY made more vital bY LOVE and Being LOVED.
She was getting something I, the teacher could not give her, nor was it my place. My job was to instead speak truly to what the HEART of yoga is meant for. a vehicle to steer us BACK to our intuitive knowing about WHO AND WHERE WE WANT TO BE that would ROCK OUR WORLD. and for that matter, WHAT work would also ignite that ROCK YOUR WORLD feeling.
SHE was exactly where she was SUSPOSED TO BE. and she could have the personal invite to show up AFTER her breakfast for all I cared.... she could come to class for the last five mins if she felt up to it.
Whatever I could do to support her LIVING the heart of yoga is what I feel MEANT to do as any sorta teacher..
We have this idea that in the place where our life has totally blown apart, where we have reached that place we shut down, where we LOSE something is ALL SO BAD..
Sure, it bruises our ego, so hold some space to compassionately feel some GOOD greif asking to be felt to be moved through, to get ON to what is really happening.
And there is something SO MUCH BIGGER happening. The soul of us all is the part of us closest to God, and we think when something is NOT working, or falling apart, we gotta stay in the ring at any cost , when anything we are trying to MAKE work is not NATURALLY suposed to. and IS NOT MEANT TO..
When we can understand, that God only has our BEST in mind, we often will have it all come UNdone.. ONLY , and I ASSURE YOU OF THIS PERSONALLY to ASSURE we finally surrender the whole thing, OFFER it up, the pain of it , the feelings of fault, of blame to us or to others, or guilt or anger, or ALL OF IT. OFFER IT UP. Give up the battle, the need to feel SO bad, to feel there is nothing but despair and paralysis. God knows we FIGHT the UNknown so he sorta has to do some UPheaval he knows our own knowing mind, clinging to the familar of yesterday WON't do by itself.
Shortly, thereafter after we stopped fighting, we take our hands OFF the wheel of trying to prevent what wants to come undone, and we just let it happen. When we do that, taken the VITAL time necessary to perhaps, grieve some for anything attributed as a LOSS, we are then more OPEN in ways our head or heart would not be TO SAY YES to things that ONLY can be brought in IN the VOID, in the darkness, in the place of ENDINGS>.
I say that to you, to tell you outright. YOGAH found ME.. a time I wanted to simply go off to school to become a massage therapist, and before I headed into school , I panicked and decided BEFORE I could do that WELL , I needed to go back to counseling and finally go back into the past and HEAL from a history of childhood molestation. Instead it was a emotional door jampacked with such huge pain, and hurt, that I could not handle.
Instead of school , I ended up totally shattered, and brought to my knees, and with everyone around me insisted where I needed to be INSTEAD of a classroom was in a psychiatric ward.
For my delayed post traumatic stress disorder, my lifelong depression and anxiety. It was a reality that BLINDSIDED me. SHAMED me further than the soil of shame I had going, and HARDENED my mind, heart and body to anything BUT a concrete idea my life was OVER...
Yoga found ME there. God is not choosy about how he will GET US ON OUR TRUE PATH.. My life DID end.. to finally BE and BEGIN at the place I actually belonged..
Had I not hit SO FAR DOWN, I would NEVER have WILLINGLY given up anything going.. The job, the relationship, the friendships that were SUSPOSED to fade out.
So, trust that in that dark, your NOT alone, and if you tune into your heart, you might feel that.. and if you feel it. DARE to feel silly or stupid enough to ASK that energy.. WHAT did you need me to GET from this, where DO I go from here?
And when you get that INNER NUDGE to go places and find people you might not have otherwise? Or a yoga class perhaps that you always said SOON SOON SOON.
You will know that YOU are INDEED in THE LIGHT, and in the hands, and heart of A GOD who ONLY was AT THE READY TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER so all the pieces can FIT.
RIGHT.
I would NOT steer you wrong. I hope you know that my beloved blogger!!!
Love Aim
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