Sweet Melissa.....

Beloved YOU!





How are you?? I am humbled that YOU have taken an interest in my writing...





Currently, I have extreme writer's block... I thought that I would HONOR the BLOCK and NOT write.. Yet, I know now , that even if I have NO clue what to write about .. I am going to write anyway, maybe something DEEPER will come up from my heart that has been sitting inside me unexpressed on the Language Layaway shelf.. who knows?





I DO KNOW THIS MUCH..... I REALLY DO enjoy writing in hopes someone else OUT THERE, yes, YOU, finds it..... I hope what you find behind my words is the sense your sitting down with a cup of __________________ (insert your favorite beverage) and having a heart to heart with a dear friend, the authentic friend who FEELS you while sharing myself and that I am someone who understands you IN THIS VERY MOMENT, supporting YOU in where you are with yourself in this very chapter of your life.





Hmmm, what is new with me? A LOT... I am in the midst of a very VERY big crossroads with myself... I like people to share with me , so I guess I better share the heart of me and the heart of my life with you and then maybe you will feel it is comfortable to talk back...





I have a beloved girlfriend that is getting ready to leave for Dubai for teaching overseas... To talk to you about Melissa, I would have to backtrack... Melissa NOW is NOT the girl I met oh so many years ago.. THAT MELISSA was terrified to take up any sort of breathing room for what she herself wanted , let alone do anything MAJOR like educate children in the Middle East...



Yoga leads you the MOST amazing people.. and my friendship with Meliss really cultivated itself through the vehicle of Baptiste yoga... but actually our first meeting really began at a tatoo parlor.. God WILL use the flimsiest opportunity to bring people together.. Meliss was working at the front desk of the tatoo parlor, Screaming Needles.. I was TERRIFIED to get a tat, you nuts, I practically needed a valium to get through a Depo Provera shot every three months.. Yet, for months , I kept visualizing what it would look like to have tatoo of rosary beads wrapped around my wrist... I was terrified, but the milestone of my DIRTY THIRTY birthday , coupled with working out as a power lifter, no really! gave me a bit of inner confidence to sit still for needlework...
I have to laugh, looking back , i KNEW what I wanted, stared at the design for it for months, kept chickening out , but SOMETHING within said NEEDLE SCHMEEDLE chicken shit! and I found myself walking in there. I could not go alone, and ironically a few of my hs students I was close to that I had sorta "adopted" wanted tats too..So , in we go, me with my rosary idea, and them with the .. what else? Visions of Barbed wire...





When I finally got in there, I STILL ended up looking over a gazillion tat designs, lacking the esteem to say I KNOW WHAT I WANT.. there is NO need to look over other things.. I KNEW I wanted that for half a year.. What was the need to look around for?


Not being confident to say what I personally wanted , and always being certain something or someone ELSE knew better than me.. HA!





Melissa was friendly , friendlier than most females I encountered, and we spoke a bit , she loved my idea of the rosary...





The tat's symbolism to me had , ironically, NOTHING to do with BIG G, (God) it had to do with having an actual anchor to look at to keep me grounded and centered... and yet, it probably would come as no surprise to you , that I NEVER noticed the thing in the moments I needed it most.. and I can also share that I WAS NOT NOTICING the AMaZING female friend God had brought to me that day... I think , sadly, I did not REALLY get it until um.. last weekend when we were hanging out together.. REALLY get it..


I hope if you have such a friend YOU GET that they too were scripted to BE IN YOUR LIFE. , AND YOU FOR THEM as well......and SAVOR that and SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH EM as you can before they decide to jump ship of your local yocal zip and go save the world in a Middle Eastern Country .... (As I write this, time with her is winding down rapidly, I am reminded of my Boggle sand timer, and "IF YOU LEAVE" is playing on the radio...





Anyway, Melissa and I never exchanged numbers or emails or anything . I just thought she was super sweet and in the middle of all the barbed wire of my student/ other children I was with, I appreciated a FEMALE in the bunch...





The following summer, my son ended up being privy to spending the summer on Camp Mayhew and sure enough, MELISSA was one of the counselors...She came up to me friendly as ever, said she remembered my tatoo..



I still did not get it that God was attempting AGAIN to bring not just a female friend in my life, buT a TRUE SOUL SISTA...





God must have laughed and shook his head and said "oh there will be more times".. ...


Years later, she ends up to be the girlfriend of a friend of mine. I had sorta stumbled on the yoga path back then, but in fear of its power of changing the ME I knew, I kept jumping back off and hiding in the bushes..


Somehow , Adam, said "Aim, YOU have to do yoga with me, and my gf.. Her name is Melissa, she is my ANGEL." (Side note, girls make sure YOU are with a guy who sees YOUR LIGHT THAT WAY, and has the balls to SPEAK IT OUT LOUD, despite risking embarrassment from his Joe's ) Melissa, blonde and blue eyed with a heart that can heal the world indeed looks like she is a live Angel.. and now that I REALLY know her.. I KNOW that God knew just what he was doing inserting her into mine or her now husband's life.





I ended up teaching them both yoga , a class that lasted .. ha ha.. 3- 4 hours.. I nearly killed them both . but something underneath her sore aching ass had been been awakened and she began turning up in a class I taught at a local women's fitness center...


That led into teaching her privately in my tiny apt. (I nicknamed it Cooper Street Castle) to get her ready for her upcoming wedding... She made the trek to my apt from her area , and began following my classes ANY where I was teaching.. Looking back , she was one of my biggest fans.. She loved my classes, I LOVED having someone to talk to about yoga, about seeking a better life through the vessel of yoga..


Meliss began accompanying me to Baron' s then Boston studio...She has since completed a teacher training with Baron, something she never thought it was feasible to manifest on her school teacher's income, but when she first got going , the girl could NOT stand the heat.. She had to leave the room several times, and she would apologize to me incessantly ALL The way home about being with me ,and how she did not want me to look less being with HER...


Regardless she KEPT COMING.. and with every yoga field trip to Boston we took together, her having her REALLY boost her water intake to not get so dehydrated in that heat, we would have to allow extra time for the few hour drive so she could constantly PEE at every gas station, and Dunkin Donuts and rest area we could scope out....





Melissa constantly told me how I was such a personal inspiration for her to honor herself, enjoy herself , make peace with her own body, and speak her truth.. I guess I was so busy BEING in the TEACHER's seat, and leading that that It never really hit me until just recently, the kind of LOVE I COULD RECEIVE BACK from HER, and the gifts of HER being in my life.



It is like if we did not get it then, we sure get it right at the tail end what a GOD SEND some of the characters in our lives are... as long as eventually we DO get it I supose..





The first summer of my first yoga studio, Melissa and I spent HOURS upon HOURS together.. Do not misunderstand , ALWAYS I appreciated MELISSA.. Yet, as I come into accepting and allowing MORE space for LOVING friends to come closer to me, I REALLY feel how AWEsome , and EXTRAordinary Meliss is IN MY LIFE, not just me hearing what good I was bringing to her...
Melissa and I spent hours upon hours, practicing together, day long road trips to Baron's studios, hours upon hours talking about yoga. .NO ONE else I KNEW around my way had the same love for it I had.. .. I was thrilled to have someone to have someone to dish with about downward dogs, and arm balances and she was the one MOST supportive of my work, of my studio, of my NEW self...





I watched her totally transform herself, making the trek to my studio , an hour each way, which I SO APPRECIATED as I know personally the drive to Cambridge from P town NH, is NOT a slight thing either... I watched her hunger for transformation , I FELT that same hunger and ache for growth that I too had. She came to classes 5-6 days a week. She lost weight and found her REAL body, and a confidence I NEVER witnessed.. The girl who kept going into apology for breathing and taking up space in her own life.. and STILL as I sat in awe of it, I never really allowed my heart to OPEN TO RECEIVE HER.





To be honest, I do not have any sort of relationship with my mom. I have never known if I was coming or going with her as she never really gave me a heads up the several times she would disown me, kick me out to live with teachers or friend's family.. This began in adolescence and my siblings were held back from contact with me too, if she was not feeling the love for me, she simply threatened to have me arrested if I was to try to phone my siblings , or show up at the house to see them. I once snuck into town to see my youngest sister's school teacher to ask if she could please give a letter to my sister who I missed so much.. I was terrified my mom would find out, but I felt sick inside worrying my sister thought I didn't give her a thought. When she loved me , I WAS IN.. I was her best friend.. , when I was OUT? I WAS IN SIBERIA.;.. Worse, even when I thought things were blissful and rock steady between Mom and I , she often poked fun at me behind my back to my other sisters, so the sense of trust with females? yeah.. um.. NOT!


I never THOUGHT much of this other than what it was, Until this newfangled yoga AWARENESS shit , I NEVER gave it a thought that it was anything that defined me ,or kept me from DENYING AND DEPRIVING myself of some BEAUTIFUL , AUTHENTIC , females in my life.. yet, I KNOW NOW why I sought out friendships with boys.. they were easier and they stuck by you, plus no muss and no fuss of catty drama!


Funny the psychic suitcases we ALL carry around huh? Want to understand and make change in some area of YOUR current life? GO BACK to the ROOT of where all things began for all of us.. with our mommies and daddies.. those relationships or LACK there of , if we are not aware of it.. set up the backdrop for ALL relationships with males and females.





Somehow in between the off again , on again love life with my mother, constantly putting me down and calling me names, and making it her other profession to tell me what a low life I was. I was so busy shielding myself , but subconconsciously musta made a pact to NEVER REALLY let myself get close to females. I would open my heart to THEM, but all the while NEVER would I RISK letting them get close to me.. STORY of my WHOLE life!





What I hope to share with you is this... Every single one of us in this HUMAN life gets a kick in the head, heart and gut by SOMEONE we are in relationship with and we work overtime to maintain the energy of emotional contraction , and create all kinds of blockades and walls to keep PEOPLE OUT and AWAY from the place we felt that hurt.. BUT , and this is a HUGE BUT, Please please PLEASE.. learn from my truths with you.. When we work hard to armor ALL of our heart or most of it. NO ONE really CAN hurt us , but no one can get through TO LOVE us either..

I still have nothing loving or safe with my mom.... My yoga mat has been the brunt of some heart racking sobs in hip openers and Camels over it... My yoga mat has been the training ground for me TO DEEPLY heal this. only the joke was ON ME, the so called TEACHER.. Crying it out TILL your ALL cried out is ONE way to heal it, and YOU MUST.. you OWE it to yourself who DESERVES all the love your heart can take.. and without barriers , we can grow our hearts bigger to receive FULL THROTTLE love and kindness, despite where we did not get it before..


But take my word on this beloved adorable blogger!


Once you get done doing the necessary crying and snotting on your mat, your bed pillow or wherever to heal the deep residue of being dropkicked in the emotional aortic pump.. you OWE it to YOU and those who VALUE your love and your presence to LET THEM IN...That is the risk darlings, but that is TRUE DAT HEALING..... I add to that , if you don't go to the localized central location for where your heart shut down, you know deep down, despite the emotional ground zero, a part of you STILL seeks connection, so you try again, in friendships or relationships, etc.. but without even realizing it, there is always a bit of a disconect, meaning you show up with others but never FULLY , and you never FULLY let THEM get an in either! To top it off, you sorta kinda truthfully put what I refer to as an" energetic fuck" you on the WRONG someone....


More on that in another blog...





You know what? Melissa is one of my closest fucking friends, Baptiste yoga soul sistas , and right up until last weekend , It never HIT me until it did, what a DIVINE companion came into my life.. Also, I do NOT recommend getting the news from a friend you hold so dear that they are about to move away or move to another world for two years, and make all kinds of speeches on how you have to spend SO Much time together before the inevitable, and NOT make it happen.. I do not care how busy you get, how much there is to do.. I am AWAKE to this so NO NEED FOR you to RINSE and REPEAT my short SIGHTINGS either....





SPEND THE TIME. MAKE THE TIME.. FRIENDS LIKE THAT , you need em! I say that because when Melissa and I were hanging out FINALLY last weekend.. I allowed myself to share with her some very DEEP personal conflicts and entanglements and confusion I was having .. There we sat, so comfortable with one another , plopped our yoga asses down , not in a cafe like normal people, but right there on the floor of a bookstore we were browsing in to get some small treats for her son... THAT is what we are seeking people, the kind of connection you can have where you can take the mask off, step down from being the lead role, and just get real with someone you can sit with and say anything , ANYWHERE to.. Hours and Hours we spent on the floor talking away, and when i began to share with her how I felt my whole life coming apart, and not knowing what decisons to make etc.. I got a Melissa who VERY confidently could be the LEADER for ME ..


and in that moment, I realized although I had been her teacher, friend , or mentor for a number of years... It was in that moment, sitting on the damn floor, assisting her in picking out children's books for their upcoming plane ride to the Middle East that I FELT the connection that NO amount of childhood , adult pain from a LACK of love in a relationship, even if it was with my Mommy Dearest could keep OUT..


LOVE HEALS ALL.. Somehow, in the middle of my blindly chirping away while sipping my frozen latte the silent power of gentle huge love and care and enthusiasm Melissa always carried for me, somehow began to chip away at the steel gate I had so carefully built in front of my heart. Right then and there, without my even realizing it, my curent friendship with Sweet Melissa began to HEAL DEEP pain from ALL my childhood knowing about females...





One of my beloved teachers, Seane Corn said to me back in teacher training, "Aimee, you seem to not be comfortable or at ease with females in this group , although they want to get close to you, tell me do YOU have in place a strong networkd of SUPPORTIVE , COOL, FUN, LOVING, and TRUSTING females in your own PERSONAL life?" I admitted hesitantly , tearfully, I did not.. although at that time, once again being on the OUTS with my mom, I would not, could not, did not understand that was even a problem Houston! Let alone something I was missing. I said no, but man, looking BACK , was I WAS WRONG. I HAD IT THE WHOLE TIME.. my ego holding on to all my yesterday's and yesteryears of never getting right my mom to love me, would NOT dare let my corridor to my heart open to REALLY LET HER IN!!! Or for that matter so many other females that felt they had friendships with me either.


A day at the bookstore, and the clock winding down in front of my very eyes on our time spent TOGETHER in the same room sledgehammered my heart open to REALY feel what a DEPTH of a SOUL sista and friend God had been hellbent to KEEP in my life,( guessing to make up for the first script with fem fatales) Blindly , I was so busy, teaching and supporting and cheeleading and rooting for MELISSA to find the BEST of herself, It never dawned on me to just let myself lean on her as well.. I let her in, I cried and shared some truths that were really eating me up inside.. and I LEANED and LEARNED what a REAL friend is.. I had found something so beyond the kind of kinship with a girlfriend I ever EVER knew.. Let's be honest, my emotional residue KEPT it that I would NOT know..





I also saw so clearly how the deep pain with my mom had BEEN having the power to keep LOVE OUT! Never Again.. How I ached to have a girlfriend to go dancing with, and have a slumber party with, and just REALLY be able to talk to outside my role as a yoga teacher, counselor or healer FOR JUST ME!


God had answered my prayers on that a LONG LONG LONG TIME ago. Her name is Melissa Burnell.. She is my friend, my yoga soul sista, my HERO... At one time, she could not find a confidence to tell her boss she felt she was being treated unfairly, or stand up to her mom's putdowns... Through the power of Baptiste Vinyasa, power of my presence in her life as HER teacher and friend, she took the dusty dreams of yearning for travel OFF the shelf and took seriously the inner guidance directing her to go teach overseas..Like Jesus, she too was NOT met with a bunch of support about this, outside of me.. especially from her mom and step dad, and she has gotten a bunch of flak from others as well.. Despite being riddled with comments of "YOUR DOING WHAT?YOUR TEACHING WHERE? She has stuck to her own side like glue... She has kept alive her own dreams despite flimsy , threats to lose love and support FROM loved ones. She has learned the process of UNDOING her life, applying for passports, listing her home for rent , studying what life has in store for her over there, trying to explain to people here why she is doing this.. She is MY HERO!!! SHE is one of the RARE BEAUTIFUL SOULS I KNOW who has the GUTS to listen to that inner voice.. REFUSING TO HOLD UP HER OWN LINE.





I can not even begin to THINK yet about a goodbye with my gal pal.. How could I , when despite all these years of sisterhood I ONLY JUST FOUND HER!??!!!



I know I am not the only one to have a friend like this. I INVITE YOU as you finish reading this to allow your heart to put their face in your mind.. and MAKE A MOVE to get REacquainted. and if you are fortunate enough to have them NEAR BY and they are not going anyplace anytime soon.. HANG WITH THEM ALOT.. CONSTANTLY be grateful for the beautiful soul mate God also brought into your life.. and keep in mind, LET THEM LOVE YOU.. RECEIVE who they are, and what they have to GIVE you.. No doubt, YOU too got the GIVING Part down pat.. OPEN YOUR HEART BIGGER to RECEIVE that back...


and Constantly share your gratitude for them.. We all want to keep going where the LOVE IS right.. Life is to short..


NOTHING takes the place of being LOVED.. YOU NEED IT!!!





May you ALL have a SWEET MELISSA in your life!!!!! I know I am healing BIG time if I am the one telling you, YOU DESERVE HER!!!



and PS.. I adore Melissa because she got in my face and made me see how I was compromising and shortchanging myself in other areas.. MAY YOU ALL HAVE A LOVED ONE WHO LOVES YOU SO BIG they will take the IN YOUR FACE approach when your compromising your own worth..
There are PLENTY of females out there who will root for you to NOT BE ALL YOU CAN BE..There are plenty out there who fear competition or value your uniqueness, that they will not be able to get off their high horse or purge their inner high school Gossip Girl still jonesing for high drama to cheer for your horse if it means that you might outride theirs.. Never realizing that there is plenty for all of us to go around and we are ALL meant to be EVERY WOMAN in our OWN unique way!!!


So, instead of walking away from that or resisting it, just go TOWARDS the ones that DO! Find a Melissa in your life , your heart aches for such companionship and if I can find her? Damn straight YOU CAN!


I leave you with this, let that friend be the ONE you feel MOST comfortable with to open your heart UP TO OTHER MELISSA's you probably got walking around in your life too..


Melissa not only REopened the door to my heart to RECEIVE the fullness of her friendship, but she ALSO brought me to come even closer to my own beautiful , precious teen daughter and RECEIVE her love instead of just dishing all mine out.


This bond with my daughter beyond anything I ever had with my own mom, is healing the INNER teenager in me that always wanted such a closeness with her mom. I give it to my kid, I GET SOMETHING BACK that HEALS deeply some unfinished business in my teen years.. It also allowed me to just find the courage to come CLOSER toward other amazing female friends that despite all outward appearances, I was PROBABLY ALSO not REALLY letting in...


Aleen, Darla, Amy Leigh, Julie Pike, Rhonda, Liz, Rachel, Gayle, Bethany, Ossi, Karen, Sharon, Sara, Mary Ruth, Cynthia M, Missy , Raji, Saunya (although S probably being that we go waaaaaay back got more than most) Connie, my childhood friend who was ALWAYS there she too was a early version of a genuine gal pal..Amy T, Amy B, Becky, Caroline, Lara, Carlene, Catie A, Esther, Holly J, Kelly, Kimberly, and Karen.....


Let this be a lesson to all of you who read this, Focus MORE on where the LOVE IS... and that is all you will FEEL... FEEL the love.. ALL YOU CAN GET... and no matter the risk, be DONE once and for all, closing the RIGHT people OFF , just cause you too got the shaft a few times.. No matter where you felt the loss of someone in your old baggage, if you keep shut down , YOU WILL LOSE OUT HUGE and you feel it and DEEPLY regret it.. when they are long gone or miles away.....


I love YOU.. COUNT ME IN as your friend and personal cheerleader.. Aim





I LOVE YOU MELISSA BURNELL...



















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